Today is the 3rd or 4th day that I feel more peaceful, I really feel like I'm recovering from schizophrenia this time, but I have no special treatment from my family or parents, everyone living their own life without caring how I'm feeling right now, they just "leave me alone", but I feel like wanting to be left alone(but by the voices) when I'm schizophrenic, then it's really harsh nobody really cares about me. I don't know when's the day I will go Marina Square or City Hall to explore places to look for O.C.B.C Bank to wait for Sakinah, it's really harsh she left me all alone for so many years, maybe she don't know how to care my heart too like she tunang with Nur Iman the monkeyface. It's heartless to leave someone that loves so much just like that to make the impact of true love as something that don't exist or not felt at all, it's really crazy my mind at that time, now she made me wonder if she had sex already or not even if my feelings tells that she is a virgin.
Life is really unfair to me I have nobody siding me to get me into a higher happiness, if only doctors that can help then their schedules are too much then they can't help me anything, I wonder if 1 day a counsellor type of person would read my blog I wish they volunteer to help my family become more peaceful, then it increases the chance of me getting money support from my parents even if I'm surviving now, the point is not to live like a survivor due to living in a 2-storey home and it's too much if in Singapore to live like a survival, even government gives money why they don't give money too so I can save and have more in my life? It's really weird so I don't know how to get a counsellor to help or side me unless they read me first, somehow maybe I will manage to get 1 to side me and help me, I wonder what's the payment like if to seek help from a counsellor so I live a better life from my parents, they are somehow missing something about being caring in life like how my mother neglected Dina and left and trusted Alysha then it's painful for Dina at toddler age, then my father give Alysha $10/day making the enemy stronger each day, then Dina will be at luck at scolding from her mother then I see Dina cry so many times my heart will hurt as I pity Dina. Counsellor definitely know that even if they are higher in qualification doesn't meant they really treat me well, it's really difficult like they calculative about little cigarettes money if spend then it's actually part of my save-up for it. I really feel like using $18 to spread 100K viewers on my TikTok to have a counsellor that helps for free first until doctor use psychic power to tell me a job that I can pay a counsellor, it's really difficult my life, I don't even know how to seek help from MSF in the past I tried but they don't respond, it means I tried anyway and most probably doctors knew but let me be waiting for money instead of telling my parents to support me with money weekly/monthly/2 weekly, its really high level of disappointment from the treatment that a schizophrenic should effort by own self and unable to save up due to being given money from government, if both sides gives money then it's an easier life for me like I would have laptop earlier in life. It's really sad but nobody cares how my life became like living in a rental apartment or room that I kept being fed daily to be grateful about it. How about my tries of search for Sakinah, how about my love feelings for someone then they don't try to get to me but I have to try it first instead? Why is it like that?
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