I feel like I will recover from schizophrenia, remembering about my quitting of cigarette too it makes me happy. My mother gave me $26 of CDC Voucher and I have spent $2 on buying 2 Redbulls for today, it's really a happy feeling today.
I watch videos of klay.hole and he actively makes Clay Mugs and even selling ashtrays, it's really a fun life he have, he looks alone and like 800 about 1000 followers, wonder how a schizophrenic have such popularity. Zoe Lim also have a lot of followers. I feel like I met klay.hole in I.M.H before in my past then I don't remember well about it, I think I told him that he looks like he dont need medical treatment at all and healthiest person there.
They're the only ones that I follow daily to know updates and new stories when I'm feeling bored. They're fun to read/watch and are interesting people that makes me feel that a schizophrenic can have a blissing life as gained popularity online, I don't know how I will gain popularity, I plan to do Karaoke (Star Maker) like Zoe Lim, even if her voices are not good she seems to be having fun in life despite her complains, I really want to become a healthy schizophrenic too. I'm feeling odd like some people in my ward can sleep in the day then I can't, it's just too weird, I assume they just don't take medicine daily causing ability to sleep for days and finish the ward life just like that.
Just now on the way to shop have a pile of shit or vomit outside the shop, then I wonder if I stepped on it, it's really weird but someone just can't control and vomit/shit outside the shop. The shop will be having Pokemon cards sales, I wonder what to do, they make me feel like buying Pokemon cards then who knows I will gain like $1m from selling of the cards, it's really harsh life if buy Pokemon cards I wonder if it's worth it to luck like a 4D or TOTO, I really want to become a rich man but I don't have passive income if not I would have bought Pokemon cards as an investment to luck getting an expensive one.
I'm happy today is 26/5, just 5 days left then it's June, the month I expect money because it's my birthday but the month that I don't know if people really giving me money as it's been over 10 years long. I really want a nicer life like people bringing me out to places like Shopping Malls so I can see the outside world whatever I missed, it seems like nobody cares what I miss in life, I really didn't complete my recovery phase nicely I feel, as I work during the recovery phase instead of recover and focus on medicine like right now but the point is it makes me having money to last until August.
I wonder what to do in life, 2 schizophrenics that I follow are doing nicely in their life even with difficulties they seem having a nicer life than mine, mine's really bad just a boring daily at sofa on TikTok and Facebook then that's all what I've been doing everyday.
I feel like creating a website every time I get to use the computer but I don't know. I thought I'm brave enough already to explore all alone at scary places like Woodlands Park at Woodlands Jetty area but when 1 night my mother talk about a place called Pontian or Pontianak the imagination I can't even be at my living room alone, it's quite unstable then I don't know how I managed to explore all alone when I was schizophrenic in the past.
Today is my parents' first day to Batam then they will be gone for 4 days, Hari Raya Haji at there.
I don't know when I will quit cigarette but I know it's soon and before next year. It's really heavy feelings to be a smoker, I hope I survive this difficult moment like my parents support me 1 day due to Club Heal's counselling effort hopefully, even if I have money it is okay to have more to save up to try search for Sakinah even if she will be angry about it due to "wasting of money", she's just like an everything to me then I don't know how she is okay about growing old into 40 years old without marriage, but then I'm happy too because it's her choice in life like that. I really don't know how to get her and I imagine doctors/relatives if didn't help me I'm definitely dead meat, but their effort are like nothing and they don't update me making me experience a bad feeling in life, I think all of them need counselling too on the way they treat me about searching/getting the girl that I love.
I hope Club Heal will really become the expectations of help and rescue to my life and everything settles quickly like getting money from Alysha first for her penalty, or atonement/kifarah, haha. I really just don't want a bad life then my family like letting me spend until $1 left every time instead of me having more in life to plan more life journeys. It's really bad being a survival life.
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