Discipline

To not walk too much as it will cause dark vision, I realized that dark vision can be less felt if I like press my heart, like wishing for something to be gotten rid off it, then it becomes a normal vision again, I've discovered this multiple times I think then I memory loss about it. It's really a scary feeling and unstable feelings too.

I don't know if I will become someone discipline but I'm changing myself into my old self during my N level studying period, but a lot more better like wanting to study by my own self. It's going to be a different feeling or rush to achieve a better life, I really want the recovery phase to be fine and healthy for me, I definitely had experienced 2 days straight of smoking then "a nice feeling" that only comes if don't smoke for a long time, then it happens it means I've reduced smoking a lot. It's just storm king anyway, I wonder why people don't give up like reading I am quitting smoking many times then it didn't happen so many times too. Haha.

I think the discipline like a lot of meditation, it feels that way, the peace I gain from discipline maybe feels like meditation, as I try to make myself better even when smoking too little, I probably will gain peace somehow if I can study for my O level faster than doing it, like months, waiting for August really takes 3 months or 2 months+ then it's really a mixture of happiness and excitement as getting government's money, the way how I don't get warded again also made me glad. I hope this happy thinking makes me think more positive about tomorrow. It's really scary how painful the conversation will be, the panic and fear even causing me to dream of being handcuffed. I wonder why it happened, the handcuff dreams seems like spoken by voices causing me to dream, then means Alysha have tried to scare me, it means like whatever she said can become dreaming about it too.

I hope the peace lasts until this entire week, as the anticipation of door being knocked really is painful and feared by me, it's just a warning but then the pain from my parents if put me into ward for smoking, it's the scary feeling, I experience unnecessary pain due to this kind of cruelty feelings, it feels like I'm tortured. It's so unfair my life experiences, people are peaceful causing them to become more disciplined in life while my 2nd sister and her ex-husband doctor said had scarred my mind with the divorce causing me to kept losing memory about it, it's just too shocking for me someone high education like her just giving up on marriage, but her ex-husband got a wife too fast too, then it's still okay as the children are Dina's half-siblings, I wonder why it's like that, like he don't care about Dina, but Dina's perfect family need to happen I think, it's just too bad it's like this, like the imperfection is on my side of family, the scar like that probably, because the imagination of my 2nd sister of sex with other man even when have a child, is just too shocking and surprising in my heart, that caused the memory loss, as I never wanted that, I like my family girls as loyal to 1, then somehow I hope her current husband becomes better at speaking English so I can speak to him too, I remembered he ever offered to teach Arabic then it didnt happen because I just don't do it.

I can't imagine perfection unless my 2nd sister becomes truly happy, her Whatsapp post still about "searching for the right person" as main matter, I really don't know I just want Dina to feel a perfect family, but if marrying 2 is what my 2nd sister dislike for Dina, he still married another person anyway that children became Dina's half-siblings, then need to be happy for Dina too in life, it's so unfair since baby she experienced a broken family, the fun of growing up with both parents like didn't happen but she seems fine about it, the imagination is still like "if my 2nd sister would marry her ex-husband to perfect Dina's family", something like that, then it means I would have to marry more than 1 too so it becomes normalized in family to feel, then I dont know it's just my mind still can't accept that they divorce, like my brother and his wife, the perfection of Anaqi's happiness like to not be in a broken family, is really desired by me too, I don't know why I'm the only one feeling like this of "what a family means", nobody else cares like my heart that been scarred by their divorce, it makes me a level like an insanity because of the sadness and "it's their happiness" it's like that is the shock. Means it's my 2nd sister's ex-husband found his new happiness like family perfection is nothing, until Dina have half-siblings. I really wonder if my 2nd sister enters heaven, then her ex-husband enters heaven, then her ex-husband's wife enters heaven, then what is going to happen in Heaven, how will she forgive him in the end? If she have a baby with another man(her current husband), would it be perfect like Dina have 2 half-siblings family afterwards. I don't know why they as couple don't think about perfection in a life journey, it's really boring my family, then I became lazier like chasing lightness and throw plastic outside window out of panic from thinking of my father putting me into ward if discover I smoke(if I throw in normal bin), like not worth it, the pain of being warned also exist, Law is too much how they just check fingerprint on small plastic, tak tutup sebelah mate langsung and just let people be thinking peacefully in life, it's just so bad and sad, I really want to study Law and change the Law of treating a litterbug, they can skip d.r.c for first time drug users, means they can do something about me being this litterbug, but they hunt instead, causing me to worry about Monday until Friday thats coming. It's really sad I hope someone high status reads and do something about this treatment, it's panicky and shocking to me.