Nobody knows what I would become including myself, I'm so old and going to become handicap due to cannot work most of the time, it's just really sad no one help me and even jobclub is useless kind of help, I wonder what I should do in my life, I'm so helpless and thinking about money feels so hopeless, people didn't comfort me about things I can do to be peaceful, like going out on Monday, Tuesday and let my mother handle the litterbug hunters, it's really bad I have to think on my own, it's Saturday and theyre not here in the morning maybe won't be around in the afternoon too, the panic are like that, it's really heavy for my heart. I drink cold plain water to feel the calmness to get rid of smoking crave, it happens sometimes the kicking of it from my heart, then it's weird not all the time. Exercises makes smoking habit get killed off also. It's really a pleasant discovery, I have done like 100 side legs lifting today, it feels like enough but then it feels like I will walk a lot today then suddenly experience black/dark vision again, I'm so unhappy then it makes me hear voices of Alysha again and then it's a bad memories most of the time, I don't know why I can't remember good memories, maybe cigarette is the cause of it, I remember nice stories when I don't smoke, it means maybe it will be nicer again when I don't smoke.
Yesterday's dream was crazy, Alysha's voices really caused me to dream when I hear them back, I'm so unlucky it's almost 1 year on medicine and still like this, I wonder who will satisfy me and revenge her for me, she's really having a good life at university unfairly. I want to become a university person too, then I'm a better heart than her i deserve the status a lot more.
Yesterday someone message me about investment 90% win, then I don't believe and just skip the person, it's really bad I think it's a scam, so usually it's like that, they probably target mental sickness as usually have experience of memory loss then will forgot own money, something like that, it's really harsh but I just was dreaming to become rich at that time, as the video shows him giving homeless people exploration into Singapore from K.L, giving $48K to people, but he ate shit and drank pee before during his mental sickness, so I really don't believe his brain functions correctly, he told that he earn $1M in 2026 but then I became unsure about it, his TikTok is "Radical Kindness".
About my recovery, it's still not felt strongly for a nostalgia in future, it's just a normal daily boring day, like "doa, zikir, solat" doesn't work into being granted our wish, I have tried and it doesn't happen, example "Allah makbulkan doa2 orang yang teraniaya", like Alysha did to me, then she actually became a higher level than me and entered university, I don't know how to believe in Allah like this, but I remember the past when I read Yassin just 1st ayat, my brain became peaceful suddenly, then I believe in Quran gives peace a little bit still, it happens around 2 or 3 times when I read it 2 or 3 times, then it cause me to believe in Power of Surah maybe exist still, like a Wali Allah believe of Doa or Zikir, then they somehow have no idea of the medicine that I need, only from doctor? Theres no magical way is sad like different than what we have believed about "Wali Allah's Power", then it's nothing and have no choice but to live with this.
I don't know when I'm getting pencil or sketchbook, it feels like August since it's like this, as they have cheaper books on TikTok for sale, I really just want to enjoy a more disciplined life right now, like not becoming a litterbug, even small ones, it's just too scary if they fingerprint then my parents found out and send me into I.M.H. I'm so unlucky how this is addition pain on top of what Schizophrenia and Alysha had done to me. It's so multiple problems and causing me to skip matters of news when I read about SpaceX being a rocket thing then I was made to believe it's Nuclear, it's really sad, I really suspect Alysha made me all that wrong-belief, then I am judged as an insane person and miss news of life most of the time. My eyes became running away from reality and listening to voices to believe instead. I ever felt my whole family are evil and Jews, like have black magic power, to create my heart in anger and pain, then just leaving me all alone after that, it's really sad they don't give me any treatment like cold water to comfort my heart from the hotness. I really have no one to support me but unknown readers that only feels like hope that then doesnt happen most of the time. My parents still don't give me money for example, they let me growing old poor since N.S days while other smaller houses kind of people actually can live their life even save own money to get married, I'm at disability to do all that but they treat me like attitude problem instead of schizophrenia. It's really sad.
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