Maybe today is peaceful but tomorrow?

I feel angry how most of the time I'm surviving my life but I calculate life like a survival so I will become happy with matters like C.D.C, I wonder why my parents don't give me money, when August government gives money, it feels like if I don't work and don't belanja my parents, they're not likely to be nice to me, it's just things like daily food that they settle in my life, I remind myself of "Zoe Lim", a TikToker and Blogger that expresses as hating her parents, doctors and nurses. I tried being nice to her to try that she don't become unlucky like me like commenting in her posts, but I don't know what will happen, will she take it as an advise or it will hurt her as she expressed as "a non schizophrenic", she really remind me as myself of about my feelings and she's good as an example for others to understand "schizophrenia" feelings, it's a lot of anger and fear most of the time, then people are not nice in the sense they will say "we're okay", or "what happened"? It's like they're scripted by doctors to only say such thing to us. They were told we are schizophrenics then I think it's their only wish to help in a way that they don't call us mentally unstable, but what can be done anyway? Our attitude are from angry feelings that don't settle unless we spend on something, then money is the closest easiest way to feel something nicer in life, of course we want to end the pain fast and spend on something nice.

I don't know how others can help schizophrenics like me, it's all the same treatment everywhere like their complains are all the same, that I.M.H feels bad, like they're bad "because" of keeping us in ward, there's no other feelings in I.M.H except fear, anger, sadness and worry, it's hard to be happy there except during visits from family members, it's really harsh how the mental treatment feels like prison then it's like a limited happiness anyway. We don't know what to do to not enter ward "except taking medicine", then there's addition by my own father "if smoke enter ward", it's really another pain/worry/fear/anger in my heart, they don't care like it's too painful to say "to give me a chance", because a man asking for chances? It's really bad, cruelty and torture in my opinion, I don't know why they're like that to me.

Yesterday my father bought me nasi ayam, it's really nice and made me happy even if it's the same food 3 days in a row, I worry how if life became like having no special food like that, like last time my parents used to do that, and so little food and money in my life, I'm so sad how I spent $3000 of bank money last time, on enjoyment, tattoos, cigarettes, but not Alcohol I think, it's my savings from I was a child until 16 years old began to be legal "to take out money using A.T.M", it was really bad and sad that my parents let me experience a poor feeling, like did not topup my bank and let me experience something like this instead.

Bill of I.M.H I think it's like $3000-$5000 and my parents don't mind paying something like that because I'm sick, then if I somehow start taking medicines and they save money, would they even give me money? It's really a lot of anger in my heart, why do they let me feel poor and understand the difficulty of life? I wouldn't want my children or grandchildren to experience the same as me, it's really harsh and "too much" in my opinion.

I wonder how "Zoe Lim" stabilizes like always having her TikTok on and remembering her time in I.M.H, means I would feel ashamed and delete, like I deleted blog multiple times because of feeling the pain of shame from having it, now it feels better as I try to keep it on all the time, due to worries of entering ward again especially. I then think again, maybe girls' body produces milk so they somehow create their own vitamins for their strength to be better than us, it's really bad as men then a survival life, then worries of money.

Even if government created lesser worry of money, I became thinking "if my family would split the voucher or not?" etc., it's really harsh surviving life by myself, I really feel like using the voucher again but I won't rush in June, I will just ask my mother for the voucher if they convert them into Printings.

My grandmother is old then I wonder if my family maybe can't give me money because of providing for her health and needs, I don't mind then but if $5000 is saved just by not entering ward, would they even give me such money to hold? It's really angry feelings like I really want to see the life outside and enjoy myself, I think its around 1 month+ of my father's salary, then they still declare as "no money" to me the sad thing. I wonder why they don't try that I eat the medicine nicely but I grow to be taking it instead, maybe I would have a nicer life and became healed a lot faster? It's really sad a survival life then like telling people in blog to tell my parents to give me money. I really don't know what to do in my life, I have nothing and a weakling but then my mother asked if I am still getting jobs by jobclub, sadly it's like that, it's really harsh but they just want me to become independent even if schizophrenic, I hope they become a nicer person and life becomes more pleasant living with them. It's like a hypocrite when they're just making sure I don't starve, then I dislike the treatment for "no enjoyments" and "stuck at home", they even wanting to go Batam again and asked me along, it means they don't mind spending money but they're not giving to me. I'm so unlucky, I think happiness is the best revenge to Alysha like having money to "still enjoy" despite her tries to create heartache, anger, sadness, feel loss, then I can't revenge at all like enjoying myself outside then posting to Facebook.