The new bag is the energy of life, to recreate my lifestyle into something new, where I don't smoke anymore as priority, then to go library borrowing books every time, I hope I get to spend time with my friends too so I get a nicer life like knowing the outdoor a lot more because I've missed so much knowledge of the outside world, I've not gone out for so many years and feeling like an old person, maybe the same like 70+ years old parents, it's really bad my life where I loss a lot of experience and people don't mind about it, or they don't worry about it, instead they feel satisfied of how I live my life and their satisfaction means I feel so little in life, so I pity myself about it, I hope I become a better man as the days pass. Just now I imagine myself passing O and A level, and it will only take 2 years of my life, where during my O level R will accompany me the entire year and A level she maybe will miss me, I plan to try to learn psychology, so I don't really know if I can really do A level as it's too high, I want a fantastic life then I dont know how to gain it. It will only be awhile in my lifetime like this almost 1 year feels like nothing because no celebration was done by my family, it's really bad how I anticipate a lightness then it didn't happen, I just live my life like a "complainer" of pain, it's really sad the torture felt as real because they don't celebrate my success but I count on it in my phone and blog, I don't know why they are just so heartless about it, but I just have to endure all this by myself.
Life really difficult like I am not having any advantage like other schizophrenics who have friends, I saw TikTok videos they are happier than me and live a nicer life than me, it's so sad how they control my life to be feeling "only this", like I understand of my nenek's life only goreng keropok everytime, then sometimes jemput2 then that's it, always at home and sometimes go shop, they treating me like someone old instead, I will have no girls and they don't fear of not having more lineage from me, because my Aunts and Uncle are not married, they expect me to be the same feelings when they all are actually more to Solat everyday then they don't really feel the pain of having no lover by the side, they are different than me but my mother's expectation is the same. I feel they think I'm too crazy to have a girlfriend then didn't try for the girl I wish to have, they at home everyday and none of my family members tried for me except for my relative, I think life is too late and they let too many chances of Sakinah, Wahdiah, Shahridah to be touched by other men, I'm so unhappy and I can't do anything about it, I feel like they are torturing me with their laziness to help and their version of "Iman"(belief).
I'm guessing that happiness can't be obtained easily as I live a life all alone even if people have the chance to accompany me, they choose to live a different path in life, even weekends my friends didn't offer time for me, I'm sad how I have no friends in my life. I remember I will rather spend money on friends rather than wasting on liquor, so I don't drink liquor so I don't do that, it's really a waste then I don't know what to do when I'm schizophrenic even things that I bought got given or resold away, my life is so bad I don't know how to achieve a nice life even at this age, doctor knew I would suffer still but then still let it be and didn't send anyone to accompany my life. It's really bad decision I guess about relationship, maybe doctors are not expert too and their skill and intelligence really about Medicine of Mental Illness only, I'm upset and disappointed how I have to effort in life when I have nothing, and I can't work but needing to work but my family rather I zikir "Hasbunallah Wa Ni'mal Wakil" rather than giving me support of money, because they can change my life but they rather I practice Hadis Qudsi about "Ubah diri sendiri", it's about healthier people that don't have schizophrenia but then they can change their life easily than me, but they still continue of their "ways of beriman pada Allah", annoying and irritating me. I hope Imam Mahdi appears but then he don't and I just wondering now if all stories of Kiamat and Dajjal is true, like will Dajjal really exist in the world? Like a Theist, like a Free-thinker, instead of a Muslim man, I still zikir and doa but it doesnt change my life, then if they tell to practice Hadis Qudsi to Ubah hidup sendiri, then why they tell that doa will makbul? I expect a magical transformation to happen to my life then it didn't happen, in the end we need to effort ownself like Hadis Qudsi, then they if effort for us like giving money, we won't feel so panic and bad in life. It's so bad if we're made to be very easy 1 day, then nobody help during the difficult days except by sponsoring for the medicines that I need, I really don't have Allah by my side like I wish, Allah can give me dreams to teach me Islam, but then only have to rely on Ustaz that believe "relationship is Haram", I really have nobody with me, no humans really care or understand me and I can't do anything about it.
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