I wish I remember more things, then it's just 5 days left until seeing doctor, I really hope the medicine changes, the feelings changes, then my anhedonia will be gone, it's just too much and too painful with anhedonia, nothing feelings enjoyable except trying for the happiness by writing.
I'm thinking what books I would get at library, when will I become a reader, will I have time, will I send the books back on time? When I close my eyes I vision a white man with red colour skin(due to the fair skin), with dark blue long sleeve and black spectacle on top of head like on top of forehead, his mouth is open and looking 30° upwards, I wonder what it means, why my eyes like this when theres nothing in front of me, when there's only sofa and small pillow, the vision everytime appeared in the darkness, I don't understand what it means at all, why is schizophrenia like this, why they create us a feeling like we are psychics? I really don't understand, won't it make us delusional and confused? Why I ever seen my nephew Arshan before when I closed my eyes, for example, then his face changes into my father's face, then as he grow up, his face really becoming my father's face, it's really weird, I feel like I am psychic, but why the power is so little or random, why can't I activate it myself, I really want to know how to marry Sakinah.
Feel like the pressure of craving for cigarette will start soon, it will be hard and I don't know if I can make it, it will be a cold turkey treatment to my own self, I wonder if it will be a good idea, why it then makes me a good person, why people just don't accept a smoker as someone that needs help and worry I spend on cigarette instead? Why is life made difficult when can create ease? It's really crazy, they let me suffer, then worry of shortage of cash, then they live their life daily like did nothing to me, why they have children when don't want to give money, isn't it that I have schizophrenia? Why they torture me like this? Why doctors knew I would be in difficulty about money but didn't tell my family to give me money? Why are they so bad, maybe they don't really score in caring a person's feelings, maybe they are all just expert in medicine, not human chemistry? Why are they psychologist/psychiatrist then? Why people made me feel so helpless?
Why my parents don't give me hope of getting Sakinah, Wahdiah or Shahridah? They rather find a different girl than who I choose, it's really weird, I am just living my life trying to be a better person everyday then something like smoking which is sold in shops is the stopper of my getting of money in life, they really rather I suffer than smoke, smoking eases the heart from stress and creates calmness and stability but they don't care about it.
I wonder what to do still at Sofa as usual, I really have no life, waiting for 19th June to see if any changes will happen to my life then thinking about dishwashing jobs "Red Plates" if I will work anything about that getting the job somewhere, it's really hard and they let me live my hard life without support. As I learn saving it means sacrificing feelings, then this cold turkey I don't know will last how long, maybe 1 month or more, and they really don't care like supporting to quit smoking slowly instead, they rather I experience cold turkey instead. Life is unfair how people can work and can smoke, while my problem is schizophrenia is why it's hard to work, then they treat me like someone with an attitude problem instead. No one is helping me, the number of viewers are just feelings of hope that when I think it's almost been 1 year, means no one is giving me money, they rather my heart in pain.
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