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I will feel weak tomorrow again, it's going to be my last pack of tobaccos to roll, it's finally the end of the pain of cigarette, then to endure the pain of no cigarettes, nobody pitied me at all, I'm doing all these on my own, I want to feel nostalgic about life, then I really don't know what else I can do, I can only remember Causeway Point, then it will make me angry cause of money, thinking of money will only make me scared and angry, I'm so unhappy as a man to feel scared of having no money, the feelings in my heart is so bad then doctors knew first as psychic that I will still struggle to find a job at this age, I really wonder what I will work as now it's harder to find a job on Facebook, not like last time easier.

The new life feelings will start once I finished my cigarettes, then it's the start of a new life feelings, I will think of library to pass by, to become a reader everyday and to just improve my language as goal, because I scored only 2 in English and 4 in Malay during my N level, then it's my only certificate that I have, it really sucks that I have no proper achievement, even jobs don't require N level but can just work just like that, it's really bad my life, the jobs I do usually are not Singaporeans too, means the job is actually easy to get by O, A level and Diploma people, it's really bad my life, I don't know where to search for job except Facebook, the other places are not a nice feeling as maybe it's not a nice work, I am sad they really let me live on like this with very little money but I have to endure because they are not changing their mind - it's been almost 1 year of medications and it's still the same. Hisyammuddin gets money at 6 months and 1 year on medications, he's luckier in life, this is what I mean about people that live a smaller life actually get more money than me in life, mines really weird and unfair, I don't know why my parents want me to endure difficulty in life, they dont pity me at all of all my feelings that I have, like lovesick and jobless, then will even scold if always at home at sofa, without sweeping or mopping floor, someone schizophrenic but they would scold for being lazy, I'm so unfortunate and I don't know where my luck is at.

I really been thinking of taking O, A, Degree then really leave my family forever 1 day, I need to set by 45 years old to get a stable job, then to leave them forever, as they're not helpful to me in my life. I don't understand why I live like a survivor instead of being a happy man supported due to schizophrenia, I'm sad that doctor knew I will be in difficulty but didn't mention to my parents to support my life, they just let me be feeling bad in life, it's just too much, no use being a psychic if don't help people.

I inserted my Iqra learning book and Yassin book inside the bag planning to use it on 11th May, it's really boring journey then I hope I learn something inside bus like remembering my Iqra again, I really don't know I even plan to listen to music on my phone, Spotify. It's been so many years touch screen phone exist then I'm finally living like it, wow I'm so late in life then Sakinah don't pity me, even my Father use a better phone than me, when it used to be that kids uses better phone than parents, I became a "too plain" person that is still stuck about O and A level in mind, still late in life then don't know if it will happen because it's month of May before my O level, it's really complicated in my mind, even the story of my neighbour taking O level is unknown to me if it's true, I wonder if it's a dream, but if true I would have a new friend already, then this year I plan to start but I really don't know if he's doing it, I think I left him alone? It's weird like not nice to start by ownself.

It's really a long day daily, improvement everyday like lesser cigarettes, then taking medicine daily as usual, then there's no reward from my parents about my consumption of medicine, like a computer or laptop, something like that, even if I have anhedonia and don't use them, at least something like my N level scoring days kind of gifts, it's really crazy surviving this battle alone and nobody really support me. Everyone is living their own selfish life while I'm daily taking my medicine, thinking what to do after redbull and cigarette in the morning, then what if I quit cigarette it's going to be left redbull in the morning then the rest of the day on Android TikTok and Facebook? Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah cant message me? They really left me for real.

I don't know what to do to have a life, I feel panic daily like having no one to talk and go out to hang out, then I'm growing old, doctor knew I would be struggling and feel like this but he/they didn't standby something nice for me but I just live life going through this? Why it's like that? Why is everyone being useless to me?