Still can't recall

Still don't know what job I will work as, like I will rely on government's money until it's time for school, it's really bad nobody comfort me anything, this week is a tough week as I will be quitting cigarette, then I don't know what I will work as, but then when I remember again I want to focus on medication, maybe I just focus on medication and not work, but I won't have money until August, I will struggle to survive, I give up on job applications like JOD because it's not worth it, I really am jobless for now and focusing on medicine, then to read books daily maybe as to improve language, it's crazy my mind really wants to become better but I feel bad or uncomfortable, I really don't know what to do there's nobody encouraging me anything like taking a long rest from the nothingness I get for almost 1 year.

I feel like working downstairs but then doctor maybe is not good like the other doctor suggesting JOD then I don't get my salary for 2 hours work, then to not listen to doctor anymore, except taking medicine, they knew I will still struggle since Dina was a baby but then people in my house made to ask about jobs at that time, I feel so unhappy how they expecting a schizophrenic to work, I really can't do anything and don't want to be nice version of myself, always lose out into painful decision or choice from them, I really can't think of a good job to do, my age I'm useless person, I don't know what to do. It feels like a handicap man wanting money, they are not nice to me at all.

I wonder at 45 years old what will happen to me, will I be on a stable job? Will I get away from my family already because they're uncaring? I really can't take living like a mannequin or statue that's given food, I really want to have a life and if I have to effort on my own it means I have to leave my family around 50 years old, I have decided my life to become like that.

Today I don't remember anything new, I still don't remember the job doctor said I will work as, so I am assuming I will only survive on government's money this year until it's time for school next year. I have no friends, no support, no talking kind of support too, I'm becoming a meaningless life journey "trying to achieve a better profile" then "lazy to write a resume" for a proper job. I really can't make it this life, I think I will end up long-stay ward at I.M.H for being too poor and then homeless because of unhappiness treatment by my family. I'm sad like crazy.