Office hour over

The stress still not over, still have Tuesday - Friday, maybe it's not the same shift, maybe she waiting for the shift at Woodlands something like that, it's just too much, it's like a paranoia because of "if smoke enter I.M.H", it's really sad my life is crazy and nobody helped to confirm anything about it. I'm just readying myself to enter I.M.H this week I guess, my "outside ward spree" is going to be over and I didn't reach my goal. I'm 38 yrs old this year but it's like this. My worries about medicine haven't ended because once it's 1 year, then it's my first time celebrating my 1st sister's birthday 25th July, I want to try asking for money again, I want to tell them I want to study O level early, but I really don't know.

In June there will be C.D.C Voucher. It means maybe I can save up a lot more, I hope I'm really lucky despite these difficulties to go through life with ease and smoothness.

I'm so bored in life, the panic and fear will carry on tomorrow, then I just have to endure it again watching the time goes from 7.25a.m(my alarm) to 5.30p.m, it's really a suffocation to my life, I feel like I have no way for peace unless it became Friday or go out then come back home on Friday afternoon, I guess I'm just unlucky in life.

I imagine myself becoming studious 19th June and August, it's really a long way to go for this recovery and leveling up kind of feelings, I don't know what to do in life, it's just too boring and I have to imagine myself alone without my friends until 5 years later, I don't know why doctors made me thought that I will become a Soldier if 1 story of doctor is "become I.M.H doctor", then it's even at this coming 38 yrs old, then I'm not both because I don't have certificate and I'm still in my recovery phase. Once it's 1 year I think I will be stabilized about medicine, I wonder why it can't be faster than that? It's really bad my life just have to wait until the medicine done fixing my mind, somehow I imagine that, daily like inserting engineers to keep me stable and repairing the broken part of my brain, that's what doctor said about schizophrenia I think("to connect something in the brain"), it's like a surgery this medicine? I hope the fix happens fast, I really becoming excited about studying early then sometimes the energy just got killed away, I want it to maintain and be a studious person even when O level haven't started.

As a hacker, I wonder why I'm not a nerd, most computer freaks are nerds, then why doctor don't find it odd too? Aren't nerd all smart and intelligent? Will I really become so smart and intelligent? Will I end up becoming a nerd at the end of my life hahaha. It's really bad but I'm becoming a Soldier, Hacker, Psychologist, Cyber security, either 1, or just a Security Guard in the end, I wanted to work as it but I kept on not doing the required stuff for a Security Work, maybe I'm PES E9L9 so I can't do security, I should just give up, I remember it's been so many years ago, with "Aby" I went to apply for the job then I didn't get. Its really crazy people don't help me at all.

I saw 1 girl that looks like Aby, even her art, "shahridah1" on TikTok the last part "Ana"(it looks like it means "me" in Arabic language). I really don't know if it's her but I guess it's okay still.