Really having nothing now

It's okay because no more wasted effort, jobclub probably will make me work at places I have ever given up again and again, it's not a waste to stop jobclub, they give no money for the effort anyway, they just wasting my time and energy and stamina, I will do better without jobclub, somehow I think, like the rest of people they do better without jobclub because have no schizophrenia anyway.

It's sad how my effort and ez link wasted like $10 away to go their desired working places then I could have bought something else with the money, but they really waste me more than buying a cigarette. 7 days of work can't be $300+ but that's what I get anyway, doctor is really bad if it's their choice and decision on what job I get. Somehow it teaches me a lesson to not trust jobclub anymore or maybe it secretly means not to trust doctor, but trust the medicine instead. Means doctor not granting my wish of getting a good job but somewhere where I will lose money only. Their thinking is bad how I failed multiple times at same location but they sent me the same place over and over again. Just got used up to work some free efforts then that's all.

Even if government gives money, it doesn't mean the government loves us, because how schizophrenic are living life, it's still hard and without money monthly, then they didn't talk to our parents about it, our parents probably didn't care anyway of how much pain we have already expressed then they didn't support even if anticipate smoking, it's food that we crave for anyway. Parents, doctors are not reliable. If Ustaz then I assume "relationship as Haram" is the key, then it's a wrong approach for help too, I'm just unlucky in life about matters of relationship been for so long, at first is primary school "Rahayu Bte Othman" I didn't go down to meet her as I'm still childish then teenage days stead with "Nabilah Ahmad" then after that she stead with my brother, then my brother's friend "Izar", crazy girl we go out at 3 people or more most of the time.

Sakinah is just the deadly path of my life where I suffer alot just waiting for her reply, then I can't make my heart give up, it's not that I didn't try to give up, R complicates my life into not appearing 1 day when I have no money only EZ-link, then Aby and Wahdiah like given up on me as fact, I just will appear at Merlion on 10th October hopefully if Aby don't appear, someone else appear, it's really sad my life, so unlucky continuously about relationships.

The jiwang song "Ke mana arah hendak ku tuju, bila hatiku rindu padamu, hendak ku cari tapi tak guna, kau bahagia dengan si dia(Nur Iman)" thinking of Sakinah, I searched for her but psychic let me walk to places for a long time without appearing at all then I wasted my money even using last bits of it to try meet her then I forgot I have met her and forgot she already shifted to Choa Chu Kang. Crazy life my schizophrenia.