Repetition recovery

I don't know how to stop voices, they just play in my mind like a recorder been pressed, the time of knowing or remembering something is unknown, then when I think hard about schizophrenia, maybe I'm just remembering as I heard the voices, it's uncontrollable like "skali aku buat dia ingat aku selama-lamanya" kind of imagination, it's really bad like a "get" to my life experience, it's really sad but there's no other way but just hear them being spoken. I thought my memory come-back can be nicer but then it's like "listening to it" instead, maybe over-thinking happened because of this, causing the concentration to be gone sometimes, but then when I was N level, my memory was so good.

I also need to stop repeating same stories over and over like "Alysha attacked my life", it's really bad like I remembered that she made me believe as "everyone is evil" to not be believed if I tell others that Alysha attacked me. I don't know why Allah let a man be attacked this way like putting the man "under" a person, but then it's actually my strength that I didn't use to beat her up(she looks as someone easy to die as fact). It's really weird she took advantage of kindness then continued attacking like crazy, it happened so many times then I wonder why each time my brother was not around to witness, or he was around then I forgot?

I look at lazada for laptops then 16gb ram+512gb ssd costs $279 for i5 6th Gen, it's really nice price in my opinion but I wonder why the prices became so cheap then I remembered that it's been many years that passed. If I buy it I will worry about money again so I will think again I guess, if 8gb ram+256gb ssd = $199, it's really tough my life even such amount I can't afford then I am not provided for so long in life, only food most of the time, but I remembered that my mother bought for me hair dye, I wonder when will my father start buying me laptop again. The sad thing about the laptop is the warranty is only 3 months then I'm not confident at all.

I'm thinking that actually it's been higher peace despite the anger created just now, that it's lesser painful that usual, then the thing is I became focused to the voices that I will write out my feelings, means to say "Alysha created fear into my heart from asking an adult question like 'go to work'?" wow, that's crazy she's an insane girl. It's hard as it's a statement like I experienced humiliation, but then it's actually that I'm just a nicer person that don't beat up kids or girls. I wish she get beaten up though, but that wish maybe won't come true. It's really unfair she's 20+ years old now then in University becoming a successful person, even get away from bullying Dina so many times, it's so bad my luck, she just got lucky too many times that my parents wanted to adopt her as "anak angkat", that's crazy, no wonder the $10/day at that time, I'm so mad at their decision, then Alysha really got away until today like nothing happened, she lived her life "to the fullest" without worry that I don't like so I wrote this down in my blog hoping she reads. I really dislike the imagination that she's peaceful as it's unfair, it's like karma don't exist then why the word exist is just to create us "feeling Allah will side us", i'm so unhappy my life didn't became lighter like flow of money from Alysha's bank repaying me as good amount as possible so I can survive life, I end up working and anticipate "demanded to work" even hear voices of her telling to work, what an ass, I'm so unlucky in my life and I don't know why Allah let me experience so much pain, what is the growth in my life when this happened? I only became worse like mentally sicker than usual, it's just "too bad" some will enjoy my life experiencing pain. Enemies like Alysha became lucky "for winning" the pain to happen into my life, it's like a Free injury or scar to my mind. That's crazy and unfair.