So unlucky

I wonder why I feel bad daily, just the end of pain like expecting only injection every 4 weeks, it became suspenseful and panic instead, then it's really the cig. causing this, then the knock on doors remind me of warning through littering, I hope nobody knocks anymore as I will assume it as a warning for littering the 2nd time, means the 3rd time it will be corrective work order? I was too stress about cigarette that if throwing at bin then my father would be scolding me, then it's better than throwing outside but it happened, then I threw outside, I remember I was given a warning before "because it's only a piece of paper", they check for thumbprints of litter is what surprised me by Singapore Law nowadays, it's really crazy the peace broken just by a piece of paper, I really hope everything is fine now and they don't come back to warn me, it's really a bad feeling and I worry a lot as I just don't know how to handle it, the fear is pain and hot in my heart I hope doctors around to settle it for me. I remember the 3rd or 4th time is the corrective work order, so I really hope everything is fine already since they just outside my door for only awhile.

Drinking cold water calms me down as it's like a circle in my heart that requires it to be touched by coldness, then I became a higher peace, it's the panic that it killed off, maybe the crave for cigarette as well.

My recovery phase is lonely I don't have anyone guiding or supporting me, I'm left all alone to take medicine daily, nobody cares it's either I enter ward for not taking medicine or I take medicine daily then that's it my life, it's really scary like a torture, because "if not ward", not "if take medicine gets reward", lol, crazy man I somehow wish my 2nd sister's ex-husband still around to help me, but then who knows maybe her current husband helps me too, but he don't speak English clearly, it's so hard to understand. I think only men understands men, it's just a cigarette storm king packet, its better than using up warning by police for littering, then I have to feel the avoidance of being scolded so I threw it out my window, that just piece of paper, sadly.

I don't know if the police will come again tomorrow or Friday, I know it's just a loss of peaceful feelings due to the panic of what my parents would say, probably put me back into ward for smoking, because it ever happened before and they put me inside ward for smoking, it's really an understanding that they won't give me peace of mind and really doing force-treatment like I'm a retarded person, it's stupid to create fear of ward, so bad my family torture. I don't know if I will ever forgive them if I get another warning, c.w.o or summon.