Post Number 888

I wonder who saved my writings, I plan for my future children to know my life then they really have a lot to read because I have schizophrenia my mind always not at rest, it's really crazy I have schizophrenia for so many years then I imagine a life of being supported like Hisyammuddin my cousin, then I didn't receive any support at all. I'm made to experience all these on my own and by myself, I don't even have a job now and struggling for a job, I even don't know if I will become a studious person to keep learning first before O level next year, I don't even know if I'm taking O level next year, my mind's not peaceful at all due to schizophrenia and shortage of cigarette. I have a panic feeling in my heart about cigarette, I don't know but it just goes away after I smoke, the panic feelings, cigarette really a calm-maker to my life and I don't know how to live without it. I'm just being made to quit by my mind most of the time, it's the littlest cigarette moments of my life, and I'm surviving with the little just barely everyday, its $4.30 per buy of storm king and I finish it within 2 or 3 days usually.

I remember 8888 I think is a lucky number to Chinese people, so I wish for some luck from this post that someone help me from my schizophrenia like talking to my parents about their way of care like nothing kind of vision by me, it's really scary how I live my life and short of cigarette now making the feelings worse, I will end up quitting before O level most probably. Storm king is a good start to quit smoking.

Then I dont know who reads me, I have 21 viewers my previous post so it's not really a matter of writing long or short to have so many viewers, the thing is I'm still not accepted to do the advertisement in my blog, it means the number of viewers are not constant I guess.

Today I feel like a recovery feelings hoping it's going to be a good day today and remember good stuff instead of scary feelings keep reappearing into my heart, whenever I'm in front of computer I feel like "Life Exist" and I want to chase back my old life of always being in front of computer, but I can't.

I wonder why people let me suffer or feel tortured during my period of recovery phase, I didn't get my jobclub money then I get lesser money from dishwasher job then I get no money from 1 day of dish-collecting, it's really sad then I'm made to endure all these, still struggling in my road to 38 years old. It's just 1mth+ left then it's like this, it's scary for me making me think "when will I recover"?

The panic feelings in my heart are not nice even if it's gone by smoking some cigarette, it just may come back later anyway in the afternoon.

I hope my energy to keep learning before O level starts next year happens again and I do it, but then at the same time it feels like I will be taking my driving license next month, but I don't know, my brother is the one paying for it so it's his decision, I thought doctor kept monitoring my life so I don't experience any bad with the law, but then the feeling like still exist anyway, I wonder if they will come back at night or afternoon, it's really loss of peace and I hope doctor help me to know what it's about.

I'm imagining a life without Sakinah forever, then I remember at 39 years old doctor said my blog domain will be back and will keep in touch with Shahridah again, even Wahdiah. It's really harsh doctors knowing all these but not making me remember about it in details, I'm left surviving my life with fear of multiple things like I always throw litter in the redbull tincan due to fear, and the fear is real ache in heart like a stab, I'm so unlucky I'm not peaceful most of the time due to schizophrenia and money for cigarette. I hope anhedonia doesn't kill me(make me suicide), because I feel like a retarded person now without anyone caring.

I'm expecting a type of care that promotes me to explore the world outside like going to shopping centres as their sponsors to enjoy my life like being updated about the outside world. I ketinggalan zaman about such life. I know 1 day I will probably stop writing about Sakinah, Wahdiah, Shahridah etc. because of no attention from them. I don't know how's my life going to improve without their support or care, it's really madness like survival by my ownself?