Thinking if it's the end

In June is it the end, will I really get money or it's just voices in my head? Will someone release me from this prison-like feelings? I feel like my heart been caged to be trapped into a certain bad feeling then it's stuck like that for a long time, it's really scary feelings. I can't be stable like this, I wrote on my journal just now about i still get injection, it's really sad, doctor really said 1 year but he did this to me, I will be feeling anhedonic until hopefully 31st August is change of medicine, it's really a lot of sadness but they seem to be okay about it. I try my mind to focus on medicine instead of tobacco packet litter, then it's hard, I still fear of tomorrow, then just now I feeling like "ah heck care" "just a scolding" I think, it's really sad but they made me go through this kind of pain in life. The thing is I still have a lot of medicine and I hope my father don't ward me, it's still 16 weeks more to go then seeing doctor, then I guess the problematic side of me happens ever since my 2nd sister's divorce with her ex-husband, I was truly unhappy about her decision then I can't do anything about it, I feel like a problem is a lightness into my life, then I began feeling like littering is lightness then it happened when I avoid my father scolding me for smoking, it's really bad then I have nothing I can do about it, just to experience the pain of a warning or scolding tomorrow, I hope it's just over soon, I want to continue living my life like I aim about - just focus on medicine.

I don't know why despite so many readers, no one contacted me about my littering, nobody comforted me and let me feel this by myself, no one together with me to offer me to tell my father not to ward me, I feel disappointed about it, it's like I have friends and no friends at the same time, then most probably the readers could be my relatives instead, I really want doctors to read so they can handle my life but I can't expect too much like they just talking to me as a patient and nothing psychic happens anymore, it's really sad like no better or nicer experience in life but just to go through this pain like a lot of endurance.

I feel the voices still around as I walk alot just now, I'm not experiencing dark vision luckily, and I hope it maintained this way. I ate 4 slices of bread with condensed milk folded in it, then that's the only food I ate today, it's really little but I don't feel hungry maybe due to storm king, I really surviving and maybe turning fat but nobody helps control my food intake, it's usually always "too little" to eat, I plan to eat Maggi now to feel better, but I really don't know if I will feel better. The fear in heart stuck like a symptom of cannabis(even if I hate cannabis) like a stab in my heart, I remember when in hospital the dark vision probably created by cannabis that I got spiked with meth at the cigarette filter, I thought it's the same usual person's cigarette so I just smoke 3 puffs then I'm dazey and loss of vision, it's really crazy I hate it a lot. I wonder why no doctors help me but then fluoxetine removes the anhedonia but only too little and "like a hopeful" pleasure instead, its really sad then I go through this.

I remember doctor saying I will buy English Essay Examples and study by my own self this year, then I don't know if it's August or what, it's really sad like a scary feeling, I really want to be smart but I don't feel myself as becoming someone of a high status, my scores in the past definitely proves I can become somebody in the world, then I didn't prove it due to warded into I.M.H, the ward feeling is scary most of the time, as have nobody to talk to, the nurses doing their job, and activities are childish like a retarded group of people, like colouring inner outlines, like pasting stuff, it's really boring my schizophrenia, I usually just sit on bed with nobody to talk to, I only ask 1 guy "if he's inside ward for 4 weeks", thinking I would be over in 1 month too, then me finished in 1.5mths instead, it's really sad and scary feelings inside ward. Nobody wants to feel the torture but I go through it so many times without my family demanding me out, it's really weird they let me suffer, and feeling the treatment as the best decision, instead of just trying luck for me to eat medicine while I'm at home "or then ward" if not eating, they should do something like that, but they just made me stay in ward for so long. As a person not married, I only have family members visiting me, and I don't have a lover that visits me, during that time, I thought my family are fake families even if I take medicine daily, I thought I'm an orphan adopted by them so I kept looking at their faces if I have the same features, then I realized thats the point that we are family after I was discharged from ward. It's really sad but they just don't care, causing me to think further they are not family.

I wonder why they let me suffer in life with ward treatment, why there's no other way? Why I have to feel bad living with crazy people inside ward for so long? Why Sakinah didn't visit me or try to appear into my life? There's some time that I can go out of ward, then she can still appear but she chose not to, it's really sad I still miss and love her in ward. I hope I remember her a nicer way like in ward then I remember maybe it's due to not smoking that I can remember about her a nicer way, like doctor saying I will have babies with her, such vision, it made me happy even if I'm unsure. I really want her so bad then if I see her again I would ask the same question again, then I wonder if she will accept me anyway while waiting for me to recovery, then without my knowledge that she has accepted me.

I want to remember back the days like in ward, but then just probably spike of drugs other than not smoking that causes my mind like disarray, in ward being spiked I experienced a life that happened multiple times then the spiker still escape the life from imprisonment, no matter how many years I've been spiked with the same way they really survive with drugs into I.M.H, I'm the only one(but I dont think so) that keeps forgetting I've met them before for so many cycles of June 29 - Aug 15. Wow the suffering is really crazy, the boredom only like 1 way in ward, or to the eating area, then it's always the same at there, like a crazy man I feel, I hope I'm not warded again just because of being a litter bug and hope its just a warning for the 2nd time. I really wish I will be fine and want doctor to help me talk to Law of skipping my door this time so it's lesser panic into my life. I'm so unlucky many times and like a trouble maker usually ever since my 2nd sister and her ex-husband divorce, I just grow to feel lightness in being like a lousy standard man, it's really sad how the divorce of others impacted me, luckily I'm the same least attitude increment when my brother also divorce, it just sucks and scary like fearing of own self doing bad stuff and kept getting in trouble with Law.