Medicine taken daily managed my symptom with more stability but doctor would demand to work, then I really can't do anything about it if I can't work, I don't know why my body becomes weak from able to work, it's like cruel or torture to force myself to work, I don't know why it's like this.
I feel like I won't do well for O level, and feel like doing Computers courses instead, I really don't know what to do in my life, if I take O level it's more jobs, if I take computers it's only about computer jobs. Computers been my love but not my confidence, I feel like I can do well in it and feel like I can fail at the same time, it's really bad why people are like this to me like not talking to me about improving my education, I really feel like I am expected to work dishwasher my entire life, then become someone poor in the world, it's so heartless the torture reminds me of my father punching back of my head after making me fall downwards straight down, I don't know why I feel people don't know how to care about me causing "during my schizophrenic moments feeling they are evil", but it's just maybe because of Alysha causing my mind like that, I was punched many times at back of my head because of Alysha's mouth then Alysha not penalized for anything, the reality of my life is like that. My father doing such thing reminds me of he letting me suffer while giving the bully of toddlers $10/day, it's crazy, they really dont know how to care their own child but gift others' child, it's so sad my life believing lies of Alysha until I feel like punching my father, it takes time because I was giving chance anyway because it was slow to try hit him, then Abg Lan and him nailed me down, I was pinned backwards until the police arrived, I'm really sad my father didn't give me any money for doing that to me, they don't feel guilty at all. I realized maybe it's true that my family bloodline "don't know how to care children", since I'm the only one complaining, I'm the most capable of such thing maybe. It's really painful but they do it to a schizophrenic, it's really bad like matches "evil" sayings of the voices at that time, I feel so unlucky to have to enter I.M.H that night, I don't know why Alysha manage to get away when she made my symptom of schizophrenia becomes worse.
I don't know what to do in my life, their demands and expectation is that I get a job and tak menganggur, I'm not satisfied as a schizophrenic that they don't care about my health, I really take medicines but daily it feels dull and boring, I really am confused if I should take O level essays or not, I don't feel like doctor was talking real like "life is like my imagination", maybe he just joke about it, but why doctors lie like that? As doctors they let a patient thought that the patient will become Dr Psychologist? Why doctor messed with mind? How am I going to study hard now? It's definitely hard to score in A levels and Degree, I don't know how I can do this. Why someone just don't support me until I get an easy job?
Daily it's the same dullness like I can't make it in life, I don't know why my parents are like that, they don't feel bad after treating me bad or responding me badly, I'm so unlucky thinking about money most of the time, I really get nothing from my parents. The reality is like that, they just feed food then like a doctor that sent them a message telling to not care but have own money for own happiness, it's really sad it's not that giving me money will make them poor, but they are like this to me instead. So stingy, I feel pain my entire life definitely secretly 1 of their happiness? They know they treat me painfully but they continued and let me feel "won't get money" by forwarding doctor's message. I'm really sad and feel that even doctor dont know how to care own child, their expertise is only medical, and not "happiness of a person", it's really bad, they let parents torture their children like nothing and earn money by ownself, or save up government's money thats given. So useless my life.
They kept resorting into decision that I will decide suicide or self-torture myself then I think of education, I decided not to suicide again, I want doctor to tell me what I will become in future, but they let me keep blogging and writing like they don't know my writings, it's really crazy, their job is so easy and can tell me answers like 1 minute of their time but they don't do it. Doctors also don't know how to care my heart's happiness, they just give what's enough to compare African and Palestinian life then that's it, I have to understand that the pain will continue in my life and I have to go through it for don't know how many years to go. I'm so helpless, I have no jobs, and I can't earn, even focusing on medicine is not their desire to let me do such thing with their support, they let me suffer instead and survive on government's money.
No comments:
Post a Comment