This year been through a lot of daily life blogging, since September I think, then it was short in the past, I just tried to become more interesting and make it longer and longer each time, I don't know who cares to read me, and who don't care but read me, I wonder what's on others' mind, do they really believe doctor that I would become a Psychologist? I really wonder? What's my effort going to be doing next year? Will O level promote me to take Diploma or A level? I really don't know where I am going in life. I really want to be a successful person is the point, I really want to believe I will become a Soldier, but it's too hard to believe "I am a soldier during my O or A level", why would I do a double thing? Why would I work and part time O or A level? It's maybe after my A level or after my Degree(if I really will become a Psychologist)? Why is the information like that instead from doctor? Maybe he just decide not to tell me fully what I will become in life. So disappointing like my mind been played, how he knows 38 is my happiest age then? How it is real? Will I get a computer at that age? Will I be back into computer life again?
Will I buy Fifa and play with my brother on remote control like the days with my 2nd sister's ex-husband?
I still can't crack what's going to make me happiest at that age unless it's recovery or Sakinah, I really don't know, that's the only thing I can think of about "the happiest age" reasons. Will it be suddenly a lot of money flow into my life?
I remembered about my mother said 38 years old my father wants to buy me a house, my 2nd sister wants to make me happier at 37 years old instead but looks I'm turning 38 then she's still the same treatment anyway, she also said wanted to buy me a house. It's definitely the new structure at Woodlands where my new house will be? I really just waiting, but then what if it's Alysha's voice too? Then I become not knowing the truth again, it's really weird I can feel happy for nothing most of the time, then expectations become whatever she ever said, I think she's such a bad person, if she pass her university the world definitely going to corrupt, people going to employ a bad person as worker.
What is going to happen to me? Why is it slow anyway if I'm really turning 38 then my 2nd sister still haven't given me anything?
I just left to wonder why she said that afterwards, life is really crazy, if I'm let to believe the wrong things, then people can easily lie to just make myself comfortable as I will forget anyway due to memory loss of schizophrenia, it's really sad I wonder how many people have cheated my feelings before by saying nice things to me instead? It's really sad but nobody cares, they make me imagine an end of pain in life but then nothing happens, turning 38, my 2nd sister still don't remember it, then I guess it could be Alysha's sentences, then I really can't do anything about it.
I hope voices of Alysha get away from my life forever, but only recovery would make it happen, so I hope I will be cured sooner than expected(38 years old), I still take medications daily as usual, and tomorrow is just another day to endure, I really think I can do this and continue until I'm surprised what I would be doing until end of this year, is my life really unhappy always? Will Club Heal appear like an Angel that just goes after a help? I really don't know, they're the only change I vision that can cause my life to happen something, then other than Club Heal, it's myself getting a job, then I wonder if I will get a job myself, other change is when my brother will offer me to take car license, it's within 6 months to pass, then it's definitely June? I wonder when it is going to be.
It can't be that during my O level I'm taking Car License too? But it looks like going to be like that too, a double kind of learning? I really don't know if I really can cope? Maybe after 2 years or 3 4 5 years then I will take Car License? Don't know why doctor just don't make my future clear to me, they left me to wonder what is right and what is not happening at all, I became ambitious to become a Psychologist is the main thing, my mentality need to be strong is the point, then people won't attempt to get rid of having a conversation with me, as it will be prove that I'm cured or handling my mental/mind well already. It's really sad but O level is the main key to my future, I really hope I pass next year, I really just want to do well in my life and become a better person which is hard, Psychologist definitely going to be my path because of the pain I felt from being mentally ill, nobody felt it, I wonder why they don't care about it too, I really hope becoming a psychic 1 day I will find out why people don't care about me.
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