The injection on Monday is the last of the cycle that will end, no longer entering ward in 29th June, it's finally the end of pain and hopefully I recover by end of June because it's total of 1 year on medications already.
I decided things like if a girl wrote she don't like Jiwang songs, then I still will just enjoy it anyway, in the past I would've decreased listening some songs for girls but I think I'm turning 38 now then it's the end of such thing, to just be myself - whatever I'm most peaceful about. Even if it is meaningless like not about my life, jiwang songs are actually peaceful to listen. It's been over 10 years anyway of my last chat with any girls, my life been lonely ever since Aby gone from my life, thanks to Alysha's lies the imagination was too much if I stayed with her my heart would hurt from the imagination instead. It's really bad like making me crazy but nobody pitied or scolded Alysha for the feelings that I experience, they let me suffer and just be around for me to take my medications daily, they really don't talk about her and let my sufferings be real pain anyway, it means maybe they won't want me to marry the girls then I assume, I really don't know they really don't effort at all. The effort are too little to connect us together, I really want to feel connected with the girls but they didn't help me as I was suffering from memory loss, I can't really effort a lot anyway.
The girls' efforts are disappointing as they didn't try to connect with me at all, and I'm left all alone.
Anyway I wonder when or how Club Heal will find out that I have quit smoking in order to help me because their ruling is like that I think, I somehow feel like have people interfering and commanded not to help me because of smoking, it's really bad I feel like it's childish the point of having money is not always for cigarettes but they want me to alternate cigarette's money to be for food instead as common sense, then I remember I would have bought a lot until my money finishes faster anyway, in the past this was what that happened, it's better to manage money by myself and have them in my bank.
Now with $447+ in bank I need to survive for June and July, then August will get government's money, it's really scary the journey like nobody cares and I fear I kept buying cigarettes anyway and can't get help of Club Heal, their motto sounds nice like a help or support would be the outcome for asking help from them, then they can't help me if I smoke, it's really disappointing, the pain to feel is like childish days and like a tantrum in my heart, it's so painful my heart that I don't want to become mentally sick just because of anger and dissatisfaction - I think these 2 are the cause of negative feelings in my heart and I don't know how to get rid of them, for me "if pain or something not nice = buy something for pleasure" that's how life should become, but they restrict me even if I'm schizophrenic and only allowed to spend the money that I earn or get, it's really sad I feel so helpless.
Being unsure if Club Heal will help me, I just will hope psychics exist to help me but they just promote the same idea of "handling me" then it's still no difference in my life if have psychics as their method won't change and there's no negotiation of "how to care a smoker", it's really disappointing.
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