6mins it's 12a.m

Bored like hell, now I'm downloading Final Burn Neo pack for 5gb taking 1 hour to download, it's so long, I really playing a game for real 1 day, anhedonia really won me until 31st august, or I don't know if doctor will change my medicine by the time, it's really tough to think about it, I know somehow I can be okay from the anhedonia, but it's becoming 1 year long feeling loss of pleasure, they seem serious about it too, then it means doctor will really sue Alysha for anhedonia? Because of her I have to take paliperidone? If not my medicine was risperidone as something enough, because I quit N level days for 1.5mths of school because of Alysha's demoralizing sentence, it's really harsh "I need to work hard" this time, then she succeeding above me at university, it's unfair like crazy I hope she accident or something.

I wonder who will be her real lover if 2 of her exes will be working for me as story of doctor is like that, if 38 39 40 I don't take O A level Degree, maybe it's true that I will be working as a soldier? Maybe I'm just a normal worker at 38 years old?

I wonder how to make her lover feel unlucky of getting her, only schizophrenic moments then I will get them to side me, but her real lover is the target to make her feel ruined, her life definitely smooth in school, nobody ruining it except me, as writing of her will make her think of me more if she reads, then she haven't regret or repent, its better to mess her mind back anyway seeing her schizophrenic didn't burn her, but burns me instead, I'm like toasted heart or soul feeling the burn from anger it really hurts it's something physical I would say if it's heart pain or matters of heart, but my 2nd sister said "it's mental" ruined my explanation of the feelings I get, it really sucks, they don't try to understand even after more than 20 years, if there is no pain, there's no mental illness. Of course any pain will feel physical. Crazy brain having to go through this explanation for readers to tell her about it but maybe I gain no readers anyway as fact, just collectors of writings maybe. I really don't know my luck people have no interest to see me become successful maybe, even if family or relative, thats why they only pray knowing that praying doesn't really improve life or comes true, then it's hard for me forever since they don't support me with money. Alysha would easily believe they are Jews by her own lies due to their treatment to me, but they never prove that Muslims helps each other, I don't receive help at all, only my brother helped me and that's it.