9 more days birthday.

It's a scary life if I don't become a smarter person by qualification, next year is really a special year, this year 19th June onwards like the days I will hope I get to spend time with someone before next year but then I can only just wait and see, I hope my days of my life becomes more special everyday since 19th June as doctors said that it will be my happiest age, I truly am excited about myself going to be a successful person like Car License(if true) and this year the saving of $5K like far away from me. I feel like taking up SkillsFuture about "repairing computer", I really don't know what to do with the money available for learning, I'm just too bored in my life.

I hope I get contacted by my phone, yesterday I think I tried sms din's number if he will reply then there's no response maybe I got the number wrong then I thought, then it's okay anyway, I think I lost all contacts with my friends then I have no friends anymore, life's a difficult journey like growing old into an age where I should be taking care of my children but I am not married yet even, it's really sad my life journey. I close my eyes I saw a girl looking 45° downwards and smiling and like a spoiled nose, it's like a picture that the nose been scratched away, I don't know what it means or why my eyes are like this. I have no psychic to tell me or help me if im going to be like a psychic 1 day due to the visions that I see when I close my eyes, it's really weird.

Then I rub my eyes I saw an ugly girl looking like a monkey looking at me and smiling closed mouth with the lips having lipstick. It's really weird my vision I don't remember seeing these features on Facebook or TikTok, it's definitely something else like something about my eyes, like why when it's supposed to be total darkness, images appeared instead? Maybe it's just symptom of schizophrenia.

My life journey going to be thinking about why I'm not married yet, I don't know why people don't worry if marrying at 40+ years old for example, maybe they feel doctor is right too that I will memory loss until 38 years old, then the recovery of schizophrenia I read as take 5 years of medications, then maybe 43 years old I will be married? Wow that's crazy so long, I just want to be married for real. It's really harsh my life journey being a survivor in life instead of a pleasant life, always have something to complain about my life, it's really like a torture. Even if it's not suicidal feelings, because I would need other medicine if I'm suicidal then it means doctors feel I'm fine like this, there's no one getting me the kind of pleasure I wish for in life. I also want my own computer table and laptop, or computer in my room, I want to make it like a study table too, but then my parents would think the current laptop computer is enough that belongs to my brother, then I can't try to have a life of my own, it's really bad and boring life journey and experience, I loss touch of computers for so long already then there became nothing to do on computers.

I want to read later if android can download torrents, as I feel bored about my life.

I no longer like rushing to buy a study table because maybe I can just lie down on my bed and study, it's really boring my study set-up can only be like that if in my room, I don't have a table in my room.

I wonder how many people would celebrate my 38 years old with me as it's the age of my recovery and happiness, it's something fun to happen in life, and it's just 9 days left. I really feel bad how my life are made to have nobody for so many years, I wonder what girls gone through in life without me and how they are fine without me too, it's so boring they don't try to make me recover because of reasons if I try to remember too much when I cannot, I can coma I think because I will keep losing memories when I remember the bad things of Alysha's sayings, it's really my bad luck and forgetting is the only healing at that time. I hope girls makes me remember things but they probably heeded to doctor, but then it's just maybe my imagination cause most probably they have a new boyfriend and had left me already as fact. I still don't believe doctor that at 39 years old I will meet Shahridah again, it's really a long time and too hard for me to believe such things. I need to be in a condition of mind and heart that the girls had left me already, I really can't do anything about it too, it's just my luck being bad in life that they don't effort anything for me. Alysha definitely created me to feel suicidal, then she's lucky I'm not charging her for police case but then I want her to settle my life's loss into money 1 day, so it will still be a court case 1 day, I'm not letting her walk freely in life. The pain is only from a small children then it's something I should feel like bearable, but it's still like a children having knife pointing to me demanding me stuff to say or think and do. It's really bad my life experience.