Tomorrow will be another day to go through, still boring life, my viewers decreased to 5 as the least nowadays, then about dreams meaning happen to be a lot, I don't understand why it's like that, I then think like I have dreamt about it before then it's just happened again, then I thought I haven't dreamt something like that. In the dream there's 1 baby and I'm like up in tower with my brother and father.
Life starting to feel lonely, then I imagine it's been over 10 years the loneliness, maybe nobody will care about me at all, life is so meaningless, nobody effort to get my parents to give me money despite so many adopted families that I have, it's crazy I can only wait like Sakinah is not a durian that drop from tree, knowing the location, I just feel it's impossible now, it's weird my feelings all alone, most of the time delusion by Alysha, it means I haven't recovered yet, as long as I think Sakinah is mine, I probably haven't recovered yet, it's really just harsh my life, nobody cares to get her for me, they're in their own mindset of what's good, then theyre not the ones getting married but doesn't help me at all, I became someone not marrying anyone instead.
Life is so heavy being lovesick, I don't understand why they adopt me for if don't give me money to live life better, it's just too bad for me my life being bad, it's just my luck I can't work and people only demand me to work or solat, I kept hearing such voices of Alysha telling both, I wonder when it's her turn to experience such thing, like "makan ubat lah" instead would be something nice, then she won't eat her medicine anyway, something like that her life imagined to become.
I remember doctor saying I will become a hacker with $20K/mth as salary, then I wonder when is it, why is my life so useless? Why is it so long to happen? Why do I feel suicidal sometimes again then? Maybe because nobody cares how pain my heart feels like from Alysha, it's just my luck. I remember her father said wanting to sue Alysha but I don't know if it's real or hallucination by Alysha's lies making up voices, it's just too bad for me my memory is not good.
People are having a good time in their life like working, June school holidays, away to places or countries, then my life luck is as a poor man instead, it's so stupid I feel so crazy, nobody seem to mind I'm not living my life, everyone is okay like a robot, maybe I'm really in a coma that I they just passby my life then I'm feeling dreamy like seeing their faces with body of my imaginations, it's really weird, life when I thought as a coma was something like that, even Dina looks like a baby still, then I imagine it could be videos of her face enlarged even, my schizophrenia is crazy, my mind messed up many times lately and i dont know why, Alysha's voice lying as "Crow Yuzree" also exist I wonder how she know about "Crow", she makes a manly voice trying to fool me, maybe "Crow" became a famous person already now.
My parents puasa Monday Thursday as usual, I wonder why their life are like that, I don't know what's the gain at all, it's just late cooking every Monday and Thursday, I have to cook myself. I only cooked honey chicken today and nasi 2 pot, I feel like wanting to cook the rice myself everyday because of worry like have the insect, worry my mother don't throw it out properly and enters mouth, I would have done it better maybe? I really don't know.
Later I will ask my mother about Club Heal jobs help request, as it's how many days already then there's no response from counsellor yet. It's just bad my life then it's the same until now, I thought it would change by this week, then it's the same, tomorrow is Friday the end of the week, happiness of workers but still the same life for me. I wonder why doctors would still keep in touch with Sakinah if they did, or why my relatives keep in touch with her if promoting to prevent relationship as fact, maybe they just had to be nice so their prevention seems not clear, maybe they hate her because of what happened to me, I really don't know my luck really my age is turning 38 soon it's no lie, theres no effort it just means like that. Even my mother wanted me to imagine Sakinah have babies already. She's not sensitive it means she don't care if I suicide, it's really crazy, doctors must have assured my family that I won't commit suicide, then making them heartless or like crazy people too, like uncaring because no matter the heartache I still live anyway. Don't know why they treat me like just giving food daily instead of being caring. I'm so unlucky if my 2nd sister is a high status again and not a good advisor of life again, I hope Yellow Ribbon Ex-Convict makes her realize she likes to create heartache when giving counselling or advise, it's just too bad the ex-convict are literally dead meat with her working as counsellor there. Only those guys would understand the pain of my heart, hahaha.
I'm so bored, now is reaching maghrib time, reaching another moment in my imagination like Sakinah's Hari Raya maghrib moments, it's just too fast the 1 year, I feel like nothing, then it means 40 years old I will feel like nothing and just commit suicide most probably, or 41 years old so my death they think of Allah too much instead of caring me, means the sentence like "serahkan pada Allah" they serahkan pada I.M.H instead, even Alysha's bully to Dina they "serahkan pada Allah", so crazy, it's Dina's money I definitely want to get for her to be rich in her age, so she don't become like me understanding what poor feels like, I don't want my nieces and nephews to understand what poor feels like at all. It's just too bad, the modern world then to feel poor, is being left behind in matters of technologies especially, I'm so dead meat I became so stupid in technology and there's no more chatroom for me to be in when I on the computer, it's nothing special to do nowadays, it's meaningless to spend time on computer. Life must be back to old days, like Fifa, like my 2nd sister's ex-husband days, because before him, my father was buyer of original games for me to play too, then now he been buying nothing until I became so lazy and fat, it's really nothing that pleasures me, I'm so bad luck in life.
I want happiness like the old family days to Melaka stuff, now they don't do that ever since my 2nd sister married her ex-husband, then my 1st sister still continues it by going to cruise ship every year I think, then my father been saving a lot of years of money actually when we don't go Melaka but they are all acting as "no money", I'm so unlucky in life, I don't know my lucky day at all.
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