Boring Journey

I realized I have been right, I saw on suicide prevention to not tell a mentally ill person "to be positive", lol. Means actually people have been causing pain to my heart when they just copy what others says/speaks to sound like an advisor. I'm so unlucky in life, my 2nd sister likes to say it many times, it's meaningless as fact then everyone knows when in pain we're always thinking negative, then we can't do anything else about our mind, there's definitely something painful about mental health, it pains our heart, then that's the pain, I'm so unlucky it's seen as "mental" only from my 2nd sister, she's the worse advisor in life, I wonder what she's doing in Yellow Ribbon Industries, probably a lot of ex-criminals getting heartache over there if she's an advisor or counsellor. It's really dead meat.

I really don't know what to do, everyday it's the same, lately my mother tells to solat again, it's so annoying, when the time comes it will happen, it's common sense, it's maybe not yet even if I'm going to die, I really don't know because I knew it's not yet time to solat, I have nothing to syukur in life, it's complete sadness my life.

I'm thinking what to do daily, the energy of wanting to study like can live again yesterday afternoon, it happens that when I drink cold water suddenly my body feels better, like "ade angin keluar", making me wanting to study again from yesterday onwards, I wonder where it was gone at that time, it's so unlucky to lose the energy to study, I felt like I will become someone stupid. I really will struggle in life then next year taking the exam like O level, it's called SEC or something, it's really the final truth like if I am smart at all or not, it's really crazy I really get to match my final destination like I was an express student it means I must take O level, then I became NA students it's all due to schizophrenia but who cares, I loss my memory, I spent my time in I.M.H since teenage days, my happiness been gone long time ago, it's really time to get them back I hope, and I want to study well. I can't commit suicide December too when I think this way, I wonder when's my death like why nobody cares I feel less pleasure in life and I may die from mental problem? They really will let me suffer and die I think, everyone doesn't care about me, reminds me of my bnss counsellor, it sounds like a help will exist into my life, then it didnt happen, it's false hope kind of example, such a useless life experience/journey.

I hope she becomes a psychic and knows about me, as I wonder why she doesn't help me in her job, counsellor is suppose to let me win something in life, the point of counselling is to reach a stage where I will feel it's fair, then it's siding my parents instead then the happiness doesn't live at all, I hope my coming counsellor in Club Heal(if exist) at least a 50% siding me, it's really sad, since teenage days ive been wanting a counsellor then my family treat me the same over 20 years, I really have no life, I'm really dead meat, only if my bnss counsellor was talking some sense into my parents' brain, then it would be fine. If my parents are really good in caring, my brother won't enter 2 years prison twice, my parents are really bad, always leading or redirecting our thoughts to do a crime for happiness, our happiness are not guaranteed, they don't even try, they consider girls can be anyone to marry me while I only have whoever in my mind to marry, they let me grow old reaching 40 years old and didn't help me at all.

Having so many adopted parents/families, then now I'm reaching 40 years old, I never got the chance to feel cute at all, nobody/none of them cares about me, they just let my parents handle everything instead of interfering into a nicer life, I really will suffer with this method of care, I'm literally dead life as I have 6 months to endure to become learning for SEC exam, the "new O level". It's dead meat life of demands to go to work and also solat. My life is useless, I don't know how far I can go in life, it's like a lot of sadness, I don't even get the chance to feel rich when I was studious person, they let me poor, I save $5 to move around like meeting Wahdiah when I was BMC, then she threw away my cigarette like it's poison, it's maybe will makruh again, and even it was makruh at that time, I'm so unlucky, everyone don't side me at all. Even Shahridah gone into a happiness of her own path, even her teachers are not psychic to help me get back to her, such a useless psychology teacher/lecturer. Psychics are important so that love life of someone doesnt become painful, people just let the heart bleed. I'm feeling so useless having no one. I have no confident of getting Sakinah if everyone is in my path when I see her again, I'm just dead, they met her first as their choice/desire to control into "relationship is Haram" I had no chance to make her think something else, something I would have tried if nobody was around, then the presence of people have blocked my love story with her, I'm just literally a useless life/soul breathing for a nicer or pleasant happiness. Happiness or pleasant life is so hard to achieve. Just endurance until the government's money date, everyday is endure.