I see that my life experience no growth and don't know if I can really do this "focus on medication", it's totally relying on government's money as way of survival.
I realize that I can choose to be alone other days as nobody accompany me when I need people, I remember my friend Din saying I will study O level so maybe I still won't hang out with him at 38 or 39 years old, means he somehow calculated my age I think, I wonder if they are all married and have children, it would be a different life path forever I think as their life will be occupied for someone then I don't know maybe we hanging out won't be good outcome I think that's why he don't search for me.
Looks like my life going to be taking a long time to survive, it's hard to find a job now not like last time at Gumtree easily have jobs already, I hope there will be a game corner anywhere like I.M.H or Club Heal so I can keep hanging out everyday just using the power plug it's so boring my life, but then they are mental patients too, means there's chances of my items to be stolen by them hahaha, C.C looks like don't have a hanging out place and like haven't really opened yet, I thought at this age I will work as a hacker but doctor didn't contact me yet.
I think life peace is hard to get unless have a counsellor to talk for us what we want in life, to request lesser strictness in their care, then to gain a lot of ease in life. I plan to search for a free counsellor but I haven't done it yet, if Club Heal really the best counsellor I am really dead as people maybe when doing their job, they don't really care about our feelings anyway, may end up they siding my parents anyway, so I still feel it's impossible to live a nicer life but life remains like this as long as I can take it, it's sad but that's how life works.
Tomorrow there's beyblade competition and I will go down to look I guess, tomorrow shop is closed then I have nowhere to go, everyday at home from 7a.m I wake up until night time, then sleep and the cycle continues like making me crazy, I have to endure life like this, there's no other nicer way in life for me, I hope hangout points will be created at C.C but there's none I think.
In the past when I was schizophrenic, I look at art like a code to move around from my location, I really became unable to think well then I move around the code thinking there's terrorism, saw(the psycho thrill), mafia etc. around at Woodlands, nobody really cares what I write, I wrote in public comments at YouTube and nobody at any attention to them, I don't know why my life was risked like that, why I became schizophrenic too, I feel really sad my mind is weak and having to take medicine "to be stronger", but I almost relapse 1 time within the first year then I think I will need to rely on the medicine after all, my heart became feeling loss of pleasure when I began believing wrong things, it's really sad how Alysha almost got me to suicide for losing lovers twice, and the chances include Sakinah(3 girls in total) also, it's really hard to be writing for Sakinah, then being in love with Wahdiah and Shahridah, then they didnt effort anything for me, life became like a luck thing for me, I started to not care anymore like if "whoever wants me will be my wife". I really can't do anything if they choose to be abnormal to me, it's really bad the experience with Alysha then I didn't become stronger in life too, I think counsellor won't be doing anything at all because I smoke, I think it's impossible everything will be settled this year, maybe I really will take car license next year instead. Next year I own a small lorry? Maybe I guess.
This year I didn't get my nephews and niece NDP tickets, I failed because I was too late I think, it's okay anyway. I wonder how my life growth can be fun like a kid again, feeling the different pleasures as I grow up, right now I'm at my bed just lying down writing this, I don't have anyone with me and it's just a boring life journey, my friends maybe gone out everyday having fun or working then I can't hang anything to spend the time. Last time it's morning until night time my hangout or afternoon until night, then now it's nothing everyday, so old to hangout and walk around together with someone, it really became weird I think.
I can only hope my 40 to 50 years old will be fun, then 55 years old I will get CPF, haha. It's too little to survive.
Other than not getting computer, rog ally x, I also didn't get a laptop, I don't like to ask for them but then it's just example of hating a false-promise, I really think I won't meet them anymore even during my school days, to focus on studies most probably, I really don't know.
I'm going to search for free counsellor and jobs now. Byes.
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