Right now I feel like playing the bicycle outside and go for a ride anywhere like spending my supermarket vouchers, it's really hard to plan my life, I need to energize myself on studying a lot more. All my life I have been waiting and thinking of 38 years old to be the age that I will recover then I didn't plan to work hard during the time before it and I was unstable all the way until now still unstable and just focusing on medicine. I think I've grown to become an unstable person and I don't have energy to live as fact, but things like games with doctor makes me think that I will be alive even at 41 years old. Thinking of quotes of what they say of God/Allah makes me unstable if it don't match like I "will be happy soon", when it's been over 20 years I don't have a stable job how can I be a happy man?
When I close my eyes I saw an all-black like black oiled man looking like IShowSpeed, I wonder why I get these vision and what it means, why darkness exist images? I really don't understand my eyes at all, why my mind is like that? I plan to try to make 1 long writing per day like cutting with a hifen(-) each time then it becomes neater like 1 post per day per night or something, my blogpost is messy and have no response from people.
Every different religion have different mindset of God then their life I imagine praying to Human(example Buddha or Jesus), then they believe whatever pleasure they get is from the Human they prayed to, it's really weird I imagine if we can really see God doesn't it mean we are already in Heaven? Humans are so special to be able to see God already? As they make a statue of them. Then their mind like Buddhist will burn something and actually spending more but it's like Muslim during korban they still spend money, then I don't know what Christians do, maybe every Christmas like buying gifts they become a more fun life like always rich because every year have Christmas? Then I remember when I was schizophrenic I don't believe Allah will help me because the pain was too much and too unexplainable, that I believe doctor don't understand as don't sue Alysha, because it's too unbelievable if explain the hotness like existence of hell realm inside our soul like somewhere it became so hot to feel like Hell exists, I remembered that I thought if creating my own religion and I thought im Dajjal(Antichrist) then I draw the symbol on my laptop as thinking I'm it.
I didn't remember about Dajjal at that time that he's son of siblings(brother and sister), then I thought stories of Dajjal as false as I'm the Dajjal, so I feel like I'm a pure person and have to be ready to war Islam, I plan things like making a Mafia(I'm potential 2nd ranking mastermind in the world anyway as said by doctor) in Singapore I thought corruption exist like bad restaurants exist thats like porn restaurant. Languages in Singapore became ruined like "Eggslut" as shop's name, "Food porn" as description about information of food, I really thought the world is already corrupted. Name of shops like "Gong Cha" made me think of "goncang"(masturbate) and I thought the corruption in Singapore already happened and the people of Dajjal is ruling Singapore. I thought P.M Lawrence Wong is a weak Prime Minister but he gave things like CDC Vouchers, Assurance Package etc. then I thought Singapore is corrupted because "the Prime Minister is too young"(as he don't look old at all). My mindset of Singapore like I can just make a business anytime like reselling cat toys, carabineers, I really wonder why my mind became like everything can be easy like I want to approach people or go door-to-door to try for a business. I thought secret society ruled Singapore stronger than P.M Lawrence Wong and thought it's still a war life with Japanese(I thought Singapore undergoing 2nd world war still) and that's why everything exist corruption. The feeling of Dajjal exist because the time is slow and the heat and hunger feels crazy(now I'm fat instead because of going to I.M.H), then I thought the war will make me meet my soulmate. I thought I can get any girl I want as I walk around looking at attractive girls then being shy to approach(luckily I am a shy guy), as I thought at that time "the first to approach is the person that's getting the girl as girlfriend", it's really crazy but luckily I didn't approach anyone except my suicide attempts I would flirt around like a crazy man shocking/surprising people that it feels like I only did such things in my dream(then I wonder if I did it or I was just dreaming), it was part of my suicide movement last time(to flirt and be rejected multiple times to cause shame on ownself to have enough bravery and courage to commit suicide), I thought of having sex with a girl and have children while imagining sex with their sister or cousin, then my family(lineage) if happens like that definitely becomes a Dajjal joiner because my lust will be multiple girls in the girl's family. I can't think right most of the time, no one approach me, 1 month feels like 1 year, 1 year feels like 5 years, then in the end it feels like I loss of too much experience then it's true after all, I really turned 38 years old now and I'm an old guy already, it's really sad I think I will fail or just pass my O level even if doctor said I will pass all with Distinction. It's really hard to believe, I really want to become a better man. I still fail to receive a guide in life, Club Heal chooses not to guide me except about quit smoking first I think, I'm really dead I believe.
Now 20th June I'm still my same life like just after "out of ward", I'm usually at my Sofa now thinking of Allah if He will ever help me, I want the feelings to be real, like a miracle happens and I be helped, it's like story of Christian converting others into Christianity and claimed as "saving the soul", it's really crazy, I want like "given Sakinah" to be the way "to save my soul", it's really hot and sad, it's a lot of misery, it is lovesick that I have schizophrenia that she will think it's a random expression thing and not real? I hope she believes me that I love her easily as that to get her to be my wife, then live in a U.S.A type of house 1 day in U.S.A, then be having babies.
I remembered about Aby, if I have child with her the baby will always be sick "and it will be too small" and may die. It's really sad but doctors are a kind of people knowing what our babies will become if it happens. Then if Wahdiah, my baby will have eczema that's bad surrounding the private part and will suffer in life due to it being there like shame to marry anyone. What's weird is the bad people like me and R, our baby will become the youngest Wali Allah in the world, then of course it made me believe Alysha that I will become right hand man of Imam Mahdi sometimes. She's just so bad her mouth. I really want babies with Sakinah then, as it will be healthy if "not having them now", then all of them will be psychics, as said by doctor, means maybe government have a matchmaking theory that they will follow us as we will have psychic babies and will want the babies to be working for government, something like that my vision and mind, I really don't know. Means maybe MUIS following me and R due to psychiatrist saying our child will become Wali Allah. Means my life if being spied by government is not truly felt so it's boring, I don't feel like a high achiever because of no praises from government for being the top hacker in the world(for example), I really desire to be hired like story of doctor my salary will be $20K/month as a hacker and $11K/mth as a nurse, I really want to be somebody in life, like why doctors let me be feeling I'm so great as fact then didn't remind me what's not real?
No one talking or attention to me makes me think everything as not real, maybe I'm just a dull life permanently after all? I really won't become someone that drinks old town white coffee with a book to read every morning? Why doctors didn't help me achieve this kind of life maybe because I need a counsellor. Sadly it's still the same flow I'm just having to stand up for myself and be alone because they insist to not help if I smoke, then how am I going to be happier and stronger then?
I will try write more about Alan Wong on my Facebook hopefully he still watch my Facebook so I can play games with him maybe, as life is too boring. I hope doctors bring me back my friends into my life too.
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