It's really bad expecting help from people if not my family members, I really have no one in life and schizophrenia made me believe false-promises, I don't mind to be hated so I write this anyway, time and moment matters anyway if it's too late it can be painful still, I wonder why such thing happen and I want to get back to them but I don't know how, I wonder what promise I can lie about in future. It's just too much expectation for an ease and peaceful life experience. I thought I would be having computer to play or laptop even but then I will lose peace anyway if they appear because I don't know what's on their mind due to the past, I just have to endure as it's been too long not meeting anyone anyway then people probably forgotten and don't care about me anymore.
I remember doctor saying about "Ming Ming Ming" becoming viral this year, I think he said about it last year but I really don't remember, it's maybe 2 years ago making me think of "last year" many times. Then it really happened he really became viral, no wonder it's like a dejavu to me as doctor told me before. I guess I have to endure until August that there's no jobs to get and I'm still in the phase of recovery and focusing on medication as main priority. It means I won't be earning even until next year as I will start school already by then.
I wonder what I will be doing this year it's only June but time moves quite quickly then it's suddenly 1 year already, I realize I have been blogging since September last year then it's still many months that I have gone through. I hope I will have a higher peace of life like no visions if don't smoke, no voices of Alysha anymore, her voice really lasts so long it's maybe because she's daughter of Wali Allah knowing how to attack people into repetitive pain like a rewind and automated attack, maybe she's just lucky for grasping such way of attack, it just repeats into my mind without her presence. It's just my luck that my life ruined by her and nobody bothers to get me back into normal life again.
When I think again, it's almost 1 year I've been at home, only going to Batam like 3 or 2 days then it's still considered like being at home for 1 year, I don't go shopping kind of life and only buy stuff online, it's really a poor life I'm having and people don't mind my life are like this. It's really weird how my family just keep feeding me without making me explore to see places outside, it's just a boring life daily I wonder what they achieve this way, I'm the one that have to improve myself when they can easily be nicer to me so I can be nicer to them like becoming more caring to myself to take medications more. I'm the one that's schizophrenic but I'm the one that have to be understanding instead, it's really like a torture but I just endure my family understanding "as just like this", it's definitely a painful life experience for me like a hypocrite that's nice to my family but in silent I feel like this instead. They just have the heart to do this to me is the weird thing.
6 months is a long time to wait for a change of lifestyle, start of school, then I haven't even start studying for O level, I really wonder when I will be stable and doing such thing in life.
I no longer expect much anything from people ever since 19th June because no one appeared to make me happier, but maybe because it's Friday, I really don't know. Maybe people secretly got their secret wish in heart that wants me to suffer anyway.
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