Hard to live life

Sad how I was made delusional thinking Sakinah is my soulmate, it's really bad delusion but something that managed to ache my heart and damage my mind from her actions instead, it's so bad being in love with someone who don't care about me, it's so 1-sided but looking at it, she's a working person, a girl. Even if I was ever delusional, I really strongly love her since kids days, that's the only thing my heart misses ever since I saw her face, she's so beautiful like wanting an angel to help me get her, it's so hard this love, it's impossible that she would be attracted to me but I know I really have tried anyway, she saw me first hand schizophrenic delusions, and hallucinations of Alysha's voices, it's really madness, many schizophrenic don't know whose voice that are attacking them, they just regard it like a special name instead, it's weird people made fun of them then they became schizophrenic and thought it's something fun instead, but luckily their heart feels fun hearing voices. I ever felt fun too hearing voices, something I can miss when I don't hear any voices at all, the total silence are missed a lot more by me, it's a rare peaceful feelings that only happens once in a blue moon, it's really sad and hard to achieve, I wonder how do I get total silence a kind that's peace to my mind.

As schizophrenic, it's hard to cry when I'm sad, I also realized that ever since I grew older, it's harder to cry already, it's a harsh feeling like heart feeling something hard, will keep thinking like "hati batu" dah jadi yahudi, etc. it's scary when I ever thought my heart became stone and became a jew, no Muslims want to be turned into a Kafir, it's the scariest feeling ever as we have believed of heaven to have Allah's face, but Christian believe Jesus as God instead, it's really weird the All-Seeing as a human, it's maybe the imagination of "God is psychic too". As wanting to be a psychic I always wanted to know how Allah looks like, I really want psychic to draw me Allah's face but I remember if seeing his face "will feel hot", something like that, I then wonder how many times I almost seen or looked at Allah's face then? I really want to think of Allah like a dream to see him secretly like the only Human that ever seen Allah, I hope my wish will be granted but I really don't know it's really hard like why Allah don't respond immediately? No one can answer my question like why Allah dont prove his existence by ANSWERING through dreams? It's really bad we are made to think and feel the pain, then struggle from chronic pain due to schizophrenia and maybe it's called catatonia the constant pain in body due to mental illness, it's still something like a heartache definitely it's described as "pain" too. I'm sad nobody can help me.

I wonder if I really will Solat 1 day, what will happen in October too, it's really suspenseful like will I be already learning since August? I really want to know and be healthy and fit for O level, I hope my neighbour also take O level with me so I have a friend, because he's the same age as me and stuck as an N level that is also jobless like me, his surviving is easier because he don't smoke.

I hope one day they remind me how I talk to them 1 day because I loss my memory I imagine as friendly then like odd moments because of schizophrenia I maybe talk loudly too, it's really bad my life experience with people but luckily they were all nice to me except Alysha, she's the only neighbour that love attacking me, what a bugger, ruining the pleasant imagination of neighbours life.

Tomorrow is 10th and Wednesday, maybe a happier day for Sakinah and the girls to feel. I feel sad how none of them get in touch with me due to crazy reasons that can create me insane, like I will fall into believing Alysha's lies multiple times because "it makes sense" by logic but only "if she is true in the first place", she's been wrong in the first place then still it's harsh my pain to endure all alone, I really don't want to see Alysha successful in life.