Heads feels heavy

Today head feels heavy like have something in my brain, it is hard and I'm surviving life thinking of the days in ward, I ever felt good then it was still like delusion, like having babies with Sakinah, 5 of it, 1 sick and die, then all die something like that the story of doctor. It just means I need to be strong and eat the Yes! Tomato's Food, I need to see my babies alive 1 day, then it made me happy like I'm soulmate of Sakinah then I thought, at that time I was in ward and on medication, then maybe was spiked meth inside ward, I remember telling doctor I can't sleep because was spiked meth at cigarette filter, someone injected meth in the filter and I smoke.

I'm so unlucky it feels like since teenage days I've been spiked, I really don't know what to do in my life, why I'm so unlucky like losing memories and meeting bad people that spikes me - it's all boring painful experiences and shocking pleasure like sudden, "because it's drug", then I am lucky I am not bullied kind of person.

My memories now about Club Heal actually monitors me, something like that in my mind and memories of them, because I have schizophrenia then like "noted" kind of life as fact, then it means I just have to assume once I quit smoking, Club Heal will message me or something, I really don't know but I have been unlucky with my parents' care in the past, it just means I need to endure more pain to have stories for counsellor to help me since bnss counsellor didn't help me in the past, then if she exist probably will stuck my life experience to prevent any help because of cigarettes, means I can buy cigarettes if someone helped me, then it's part of lifestyle and in shop, then they are like this to me instead. I'm so unlucky how my counsellor didn't help me at all and then I grow up enduring the pain from my parents' care, every damage is a new story to try for other counsellors to help, means I have to take more pain most probably, what other mistakes would my parents do then? It's like knowing first that they would cause pain into my life like Alysha was trusted Dina and Dina was neglected until a lot of crying by Alysha then Dina get scolded instead for crying by my mother, it's the most stupid care in the world, they are stupid in caring children I think - scolding gives heart pain or ache then they really do such thing. I wonder what more pain will my parents do to me before 1 day a counsellor helps me if anyone notice. I check that it's only $6 for TikTok spread of videos to have many viewers like 3K like that, I feel like doing such thing so maybe a volunteer counsellor appear to help. My diagnosis is schizophrenia but they want me to follow rules, the pain I feel from the effort? It's really harsh and they really childish about the way they care my life.

When I close my eyes I see like something white, grey, black, like lines like a film that's spoiled or something, I wonder when I will be normal in health, little cigarette still matters to them even if they can support me with cigarette and counselling, so I can take my time to quit instead, they're like this instead, ruling a 38 years old man.

I see that a schizophrenic person is worse than me, the Zoe Lim she looks a good life but complains a lot of pain, I still could be dead meat if I don't smoke and experience like Zoe Lim? I really don't know, smoking is just something sold in shop and they really want me to quit it. Then ban cigarettes in Singapore if they are really that smart.