My life experience as a schizophrenic, nobody truly being nice to me like so many years I'm schizophrenic, nobody took the time to understand me better, I've been living my life alone in room when I am schizophrenic now I'm always at living room everyday until night time. I pity my mother how her life is the same everyday, then they don't pity or care about me at all, it's really weird she's 70 then my life still struggling to get a job, then my father 73 still working 6 days a week, its just a stronger health they have more than me then doctor don't teach them to pity me something in life.
Today I rolled my last tobacco, tomorrow will be entire day of no cigarette, then hopefully it carries on until I'm 38 years old. The moment of help from Club Heal is unknown, it's like impossible they would intervene and help because they just ignore me for smoking, sadly I thought a counsellor would just help anyway, then their ruling is like that, I won't receive help at all then. Alysha got lucky the imagination of end didn't happen and I still suffering from thinking of her. There was a moment she just create voices without sentences and it's been going on as the voices I hear for 3 days like that, it's so annoying and unlucky like I expect sentences to be nice to hear then its nothing like that.
I think they really won't help me as they decide to ignore me it means it's low chances of an easier life that even until my O level I will be poor like during my N level days, don't know why rich people pretend poor or no money, it's like thinking of just Batam, the cost so high but they really enjoy going there just visiting and then going back home, it's like a no life spending money, I don't understand what's their plan in life, maybe it's their enjoyment because my father works 6 days a week, then taking a break with more activity, it looks tiring and then they really got the strength proves that they are healthier than me. I'm so unlucky in life so weak and no achievement at all, I'm just dead meat in matter of love and relationship, as I won't be attractive to girls due to no money, it's impossible I will get the girl I want or love.
Just now I bath due to feeling hot, it's maybe the t-shirt but I don't know why it's hot today, maybe really the chilli sauce.
I'm sad how anhedonia takes my happiness away, the cold feeling I miss when I don't smoke, then the spikes feeling I remember it's just temporary or shortage of chemical in body for it to be a nice and pleasant duration, it's really bad, then I didn't masturbate too to enjoy the meth that I was spiked. I kept hearing in ward "anas kene spike meth!" means someone already help but then no nurses helps me like telling me to drink cold water. I kept hearing voices of nurses caring me from distance, I really don't know but they seem not to care when someone shouted such thing.
Life as a survival type of calculation is really bad, it's just sad like an old man or granny always at home, then I wonder why I don't accompany my tamp granny in the past, then if my cck granny maybe there's nothing to talk about too, because she will solat anyway then my life will become nothing to do anyway, it's really weird I wonder how people survive solat daily I remember it didn't bring me peace but I heard more voices when I solat, but still it could be Alysha talking outside window anyway, I'm so unlucky in life during school days she disturb me then I am like going retarded so didn't beat her up, I'm so unlucky in life.
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