Last roll later

It's really hard, finally quitting cigarette for the help of Club Heal, I remembered last year it was no help from them as I smoke until 29th June in ward then 10 days later I smoke again. It's going to be my last roll later, then I won't smoke as it's my birthday soon, "Azam baru" maybe, but I am not really energized if I can do it, will I really become a changed man and become a psychologist? That's what doctor tell about me, then within 6 months I will experience a lot of changes? I haven't taken car license yet too, I wonder when it will be okay to take. I know around 39 I will be driving a small lorry, that I thought I am a soldier too, means the story of my neighbour is just made up and not true? Or it could be Alysha then I dreamt of her father telling me that I will become soldier? It's really harsh the "jokes" of Alysha were all a lot of heartache as it interferes the truth.

I followed more schizophrenics on TikTok as I found them but I hope to find more I.M.H patients to be friends, like a recover together kind of life, it really don't match me as I am someone that have tattoo, but I really don't know, maybe it's cigarette causing me to be a difficult life for real as Club Heal didn't take it like an urgent matter, and just ignored me.

I wonder how many years it's been that Club Heal follows my blog or Facebook, but then it could still be a delusion by Alysha that someone really at attention about me, because counsellor from Club Heal is free, then she maybe just interrupt the chances that my pain will end, as maybe she asked doctor what else then it's weird doctor made way for her to attack me too, or maybe she read newspaper herself about Club Heal?

I don't know when this will end, I walk a lot until tengah hari, then didn't experience dark vision, I'm still fine I hope can maintain this way but then it's too tiring to keep switching on the fan over and over again, it kept on auto shut itself, I'm so unlucky about the comfort feelings always not my way, always something wrong in my life, it's really harsh.

I'm planning to buy 2TB microsd for RG477V but then wonder if I really will play the games, the anhedonia really won me, then I remembered maybe it's cigarette that causes anhedonia? I really don't know. I remember when I was with Wahdiah the pill is risperidone, then I don't know if before it was fluoxetine too, the anhedonia wasn't really felt because I truly felt happy about her, then at that time I didn't smoke too, maybe not smoking makes life happier? I really don't know it really feels like smoking makes life happier too.

Today is my brother's birthday, I wonder what presents he's getting but every year it's the same maybe there's no presents at all, it's really boring if bbq outdoor etc. will be a nice family moment but such thing didn't happen.

I wonder how Wahdiah lives like and Shahridah with nothing but their siblings, they seem to be earning a lot in life as the common sense vision of their life, while if it's about me, the common sense vision about my life are really unknown, I only see myself as a pathetic worker kind of life, and cheap work kind of job, it's really harsh but people let me live my life like this, nobody helps me anything except my brother that feels like imagination of family members and relatives sharing money instead, it's really the only path I have in life and I can't do anything about it. I'm happy it's 6th June as my injection will be happening soon, I'm happy this month I will complete the injection that lasts until July, my first time in July I have no plans to go out too, maybe August during government's money I will go somewhere? I really don't know. I really just hope I get money from parents to save up for Sakinah, they really don't care if I'm poor like they will provide me money for marriage instead, it's really crazy my life, I have no one supporting me or making me feel secured, then "secure" is a painful word because I imagine in a strapped jacket or strapped mouth, but I'm not insane for that to happen, I really don't know my luck, if it ever happened then it's just too bad for me I guess it's for schizophrenic that's violent then.

Don't know why I'm like a crazy tortured person kind of life, every year I.M.H, every year wanting money, then this year finally I go smoothly without I.M.H, I'm really happy about my life, it's just 13 days left until my birthday, the happiest age of my life doctor said, I really dont know and just can only wait and see if it's true.