I feel that my mind maybe becoming better and stronger as fluoxetine mainly for depression or sad feelings then I'm only late about fluoxetine just now because I already took my injection that lasts for 4 weeks, my suffering from mental health condition having no one to support and guide me, I don't think I will have a lover because the lover need to be a good one that understands that a schizophrenic believes people easily sometimes at 1 moment, then it makes like can be cheated or made into feeling like shit after some time(even more than 6 months that can last over 20 years), means someone that attacked schizophrenics became hopeful the schizophrenic said a lot of wrong things so that "law don't discover the crime" as their hope, it's really sad that schizophrenics just having a tough time in life most of the time and having no one to chat with, unless like my schizophrenic neighbours have husband and children to talk with, I live a lonely life, still living with my mother even at this age, most people get married at 30 and move out of house already but I'm until close to 40 years old and my parents okay that I don't get married, I hope at least before 45 years old I will have children and live happily ever after.
It's hard for a schizophrenic to live life but they are expected to work, solat, doa, zikir "to be cured", it's harsh how they treat me a schizophrenic that's already struggling with schizophrenia, anhedonia and catatonia. The medicine 4 weekly makes me feel like a handicap person but they don't care at all, they rather I just take medicine then that's it about my life, they don't gift me anything that makes me happy at all. Not like some people, mental care includes physical care like "keep on bringing nice stuff to experience like good food", the care is like a lot of gifts, then my family is not like that to me, means I only rely on brother's computer as the other lifestyle to have, then my bicycle being spoiled already, I still have the old "Giant" brand bicycle to care, it's really harsh my life experience, and I have one that lost keys at Vista Point, I hope I can recover my bicycle 1 day.
People don't care that I live a boring life, now I have $110+ in my wallet with $300 in bank, it's still like a survival phase to go through, it's a scary life journey how people let my wallet run dry as fact, and only let me to rely on government's money mainly, I have no confidence that Club Heal will help me at all, even if their motto is to act of Love to patients, it's really crazy such words emphasized an understanding that we mentally sick people understands as "help" but then just because of smoking they don't want to help, being childish to me instead, it's really hard this life like a beggar asking for clothes, soap and water to shower in sense of "counselling", they really wouldn't help me and let my standards become lower to become like a beggar I think, it's only cheap cigarette that they would have accidentally supported instead of heavy damages to receive from parents, then they don't want to appear in my life to help me instead.
19th June is the day I will be left wondering if anyone would appear and give me money or gifts, I can only remember like Epul plans to give me computer and R plans to give me money, it would feel bad taking but my bad life desiring pleasure anyway I definitely would take them in the end, because of the pain of schizophrenia I kept losing memory about people right at the next moment or on the spot of feeling too happy and too angry, in sad my schizophrenia makes people go away from my life, it's sad how doctors don't give me people to treat me well like plan to be going out to places to see how the outside world in Singapore are like presently, I missed a lot of good things but some I am willing to miss like NDP tickets to let my niece and nephews enjoy their time in life, it's really a pleasure that my bloodline will be happier in life and enjoying themselves together. I really hope I get NDP Tickets on 17 June I think the update through SMS then they can have their fun in life.
I hope that even after missing so much pleasure in life, even if to lose more it is better to let the new families that just newly see the world to have more happiness in life, this kind of sincerity is the best feeling like knowing "my bloodline is getting the happiness of their life", it's great pleasure to do.
I'm happy how it's 19 more days then it's 29th June, the end of cycle of going to ward on this date happens this year, I'm finally ward-free life from the repeated cycle every year previous years in my life. I'm sad how girls don't pity that I always get into ward with crazy people or disgusting people to recover my mental health, no visits or love letters for me at all is the sad thing, my efforts in this life for them like meaningless? It's not that I don't do my best to keep the relationships? It's really bad they just let me suffer all alone. I hope doctors help to connect us back together and telling them their fault but I remember Shahridah as a Mdm status, probably have married someone else, sadly it's like that I kept forgetting that they probably have skip me from their life plans entire lifetime as fact, I have nobody in the end until now is the proof.
Thinking of tomorrow it will be 11th June then finally the next day will be 1 week left until my birthday, right now it's 1 week left until Shahridah's birthday. Everyone is old now yet they really let me hit 40 years old before feeling or understanding what happiness of marriage will feel like, it's really sad but I just hope before 41 I get married. That's all to hit my happy feelings in life, I'll just see what my 38 years old will be like as it's my happiest age as doctor said that, for that entire year I will keep thinking "when will I be too happy"? I'm definitely recovered is what it will mean?
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