Mentally weak

I feel like there's something wrong about my mind, my mental strength, it's something missing in my brain, I feel like I am a stupid and dumb person, maybe it's the cause of almost relapsing few days ago, then today my brain became messy in thinking, I no longer hear the voices clearly, does it mean my brain became unable to think clearly as well? What is being fixed in my brain by the medicine? Why am I feeling so dumb?

I slept just now then some up about 11+p.m then I ate roti with daging, my mouth hurts because of the hardness of the daging, I think and imagine my teeth being gone then my family don't care about bringing me to dentist still. Just 5 days left I will have to go injection again, time really flies, I really want to become healthier and stronger, it's just really bad being a survival life.

Anyway the unusable microphone that I bought, I plan to use for computer usage when 19th June my friend planned of bringing/buying a computer for me, it's really something I'm not sure of as something true or false, it's really amazing feeling but it could be the cause of my almost relapsing? I became too happy and too angry at the same time because it's unbelievable, why would someone do such thing for me? I can only just wait and see for myself.

Most probably 6th June my brother's birthday my mother will bring us to Mr Uncle again, then on my birthday too 19th June. I've really grown up into becoming someone really old, then when my schizophrenics neighbours were my age, they were already married and have children? Wow, I'm so bad in matter of my love life, then Alysha's existence made it worse for me as she grow up, I really don't understand why Allah made me go through all these? It's meaningless damages to my health and mind in life, it increases the temperature of my body and nobody helps me anything about it.

I saw/read that 16th June then we will receive the CDC Voucher, it's still a long way to go then I wonder if it is really true, as at first i thought it's 6th June.

My life just aiming for a computer lifestyle, study desk, sofa and television in room, I really just want to live my life normally. It's really bad like having nothing then I remember it could be because I'm weak mentally I feel like having everything a room should have. I'm so stupid and smart at the same time, then it's like cold and hot clashes to become a tornado, there's just something happening in my brain because of it, I really hope to reach July with a freedom from I.M.H and stronger brain, I hope the almost relapsing moment was my brain recovering or curing from schizophrenia, like a part of it was suddenly being fixed the moment I fall asleep.