Not easy like imagined

I thought just taking medicine daily I will be cured from believing auditory hallucination, the voices of Alysha that's in my memories, then just now I almost relapsed maybe I feel sad how medicine don't really win the symptoms of schizophrenia, I really can't do anything about it. Just now I heard like Aby's voices saying "You're So Hot!" so many times then it gave me a pleasant feeling then start of the relapsing moment that I am still stable and fine, but maybe it's because of taking medications that I almost relapsed even after almost 1 year on medication, it's really bad that it occur only after almost 1 year then I think it only happened once this phase, my first time of almost relapsing. I almost believed Alysha's lies all over again then I started to feel that I am useless man in the world like no one will help me at all.

I'm sad how I needed counsellors then it didn't happen until I've grown so old, I still managed life by my own self surviving the daily needs to do in this life, like eating pleasant food needing to buy even $2 of bbq pau feels like expensive now, I used to buy 3 $2.40 in the past during my A.V.I, I used to save money a lot as worries of stomach ache in school I usually don't eat when in school. It's really bad. A.V.I is the most shameful feeling to be in that school as there's a lot of retarded people and gangsters at the same time, it makes the place like "for stupid people" as fact, I really feel sad my profile became like that in life and my family don't mind or pity me about it. I didn't successfully do the electrical studies at there because I will need medicine for schizophrenia most probably, then it's just bad my life experience, I didn't become someone smart and successful in A.V.I.

Just now until now, I feel that Sakinah maybe don't love me and care about me at all, and I should just forget her as she probably having a life somewhere already, then I think her decision is really just throwing me away because I'm no use in her life, like she got into a marriage kind of clothes for Nur Iman, it's really sad my love story, falling in love in K2 then until this age, still struggling for her love and I just want any good girl that I can find in the end of my life, it's just so sad how my love story didn't happen and I'm just a pathetic old person right now.

I smoke storm king to stabilize and I really stabilized I think my almost relapsed is due to "too little cigarette", it's really bad. Then at night I hear voices of Alysha saying "Pontianak nangis macam mane?" Then she saying "Uhhhhh" like a crying wailing sound of "pontianak", sadly it's scary at night than the usual feelings of "hearing voices" usually don't scare me but this one feels so real like another dimension into my world talking to me, due to my imagination and I almost relapsed just now.

Wonder how long the voices will last she talked too much too long like requiring her mouth to be strapped then she just been daring because my family are kind to her. I imagine if it's other family maybe she's dead meat like getting beaten up secretly like how she bully toddler at her younger age. I hope someone help me out but it kept being Holiday then making me feel no help is coming my way.

I try for another attention of counsellor-seeking in this writing of early morning.

If my voice is at least quite nice when I sing karaoke, I maybe will get 130K+ viewers for $18 on TikTok for someone to bump into my blog then maybe get me a counsellor, I hope someone helpful appear instead of bad talks like racism level of people or anti-malays or tattoos types of people. I hope my mind will be fine like this.