I'm bored in my life like everyday I don't solat then I don't know about the girls, but I think if they won't marry me if I won't solat then what's the love for in the past anyway? I really wonder if they really want me when they have gone away for so long. It's weird too how over 10 years like nothing to them, it's like hell for me when nobody support me, I'm just living by government's money and then rules of my parents, it's really a scary life being a smoker, always feeling becoming poor all the time, I hope someone help get rid of negative feelings for me, I really want to enjoy my life and search my love, it's so long reaching 40 years old, it's so suicidal when thinking I'm hitting 38 years old and theres no giveaway of freedom to go out like a lot of money, I can't effort to get the girl I love at all, blog is the only chance. People say takde duit takya kahwin then I don't know why my heart can fall in love. It's so bad, even if poor I want the girl that I want or love instead of random girls.
It's really boring maybe people celebrating Vesak Day today the holiday happens too fast, I really have no idea why I'm feeling like normal now but I hope it lasts long, it's just a nice feeling in my heart like peaceful heart despite a lot of voices, so I think the reason of pain are not cigarettes at all, it's been the heartache from sentences said by the voices, it's really so bad luck. Being a good memory but seems like "hearing the voices" instead, like an entity telling me information instead, I think as I remember I will hear the voices too, it's really sad that I'm all alone in life and the girls don't care like giving me presents.
If it happens to them I would buy an R.C Car and surprise them items on top of it to send them, but then they don't care to try cheer me up at all. Schizophrenia is a lot of sadness occuring to the person but nobody cares to make us happier.
Struggling with life, then love life too, it's really a bad path kind of journey, too many unluckiness, I really hope Club Heal makes me feel luckier 1 day like enjoyable days planned for me to do like a good job for example, it's really just too much earning nothing when in my mind money have to be sufficient to be enough for cigarette. People knows that cigarette price are $14+ now, then being enough to buy them means they are healthier than me thats why they can work, but people just don't let me live but I survive by savings for my needs by myself, it's really bad the idea of 20% increment to cigarette prices, I hope the government somehow give back the money but then I can't do anything about it. Poor people like me need to survive to be calmer in life, cigarette is really one of the path, like when feeling nothing to do, to just stand around and smoke a while, I really don't know it just makes the heart's happiness becomes better.
I don't know how far Club Heal would research about me, it's holiday then I assume they probably won't have time to read me, I hope they are serious about helping me though so I can get better jobs for myself, relying on jobclub is like crazy working 4 hours then no money at all, it's really bad. "A job trial" but then I still settled the jobs, but they don't give the salary. Means the items were moving to the needed places during my working day that day, then I still don't get money? Jobclub is weird they don't mind the worker don't get money and consider the trial as something free, free to work 4 hours a day will be lucky for company that employ a lot of people on 1st day only. It's really too much. I expect like $24 for that day like $6/hr at least or even $7/hr $28, then I didn't get any money.
I just don't know why people earning more than $1400 in life but can respond to me "no money", it's really bad they let a schizophrenic suffer when the ease from pain is money, they don't believe a mental sickness feels hot from a lot of anger of the voices and hot from the sadness too, it's just bad my life, people believe mental sickness as nothing physical. Example just thinking of my 2nd sister makes me angry she would say "mental" sickness bukan "physical", proving that she don't believe me and I want her schizophrenic just when she said that.
Anger from heart can make a person crazy, then it's just unstable a person that the body becomes physically hard to be stand on both legs may happen, then they don't believe the mental sickness really give me pain. I'm so angry and sad at the same time, they(my family) are stupid in their way of thinking I am definitely dead meat soon unless a counsellor helps me.
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