It's 26 more days to be 1 year on medications, then it's 74 more days to be 1 year outside ward. I hope I collect a lot of nice feelings in life this recovery phase, my schizophrenic neighbours like okay to be at home most of the time then it's weird like that, I wonder when's the day people just enjoy themselves like going to shopping malls. My parents being 73 and 70 years old didn't visit shopping malls to enjoy themselves, then I have no chance of exploring Marina Square that I missed a lot. I also want to experience Esplanade like eating sausage bread or burger at the seaside, like remembering life, but then I'm turning 38 years old! It's so old I feel, then my memories of life can only be like that.
I hope doctors make like an outing to meet my primary school friends or secondary school friends, like have a good life already, it's really weird how I have no friends in touch with me on Facebook, I really don't know what to do my life are so boring and it's like everyone too focused on working then don't really go out to shopping malls much to enjoy themselves, it's really weird like the life to be like that most of the time, like nothing to enjoy in life? Why is my mother's happiness only going to my nenek's house then I am let like in the dark of places like I want to visit, I feel the chances of meeting Sakinah are nearby that area, it's really crazy. I am let a life without a lover for so long and everyone are fine with it, it's really harsh treatment like I need a counsellor to create my love story for me, but I don't know if it's a counsellor's job.
I wonder why Puan Hamidah Bahashwan made me berangan of a nicer life at 20+ years old, then I didn't experience it even until this age surviving on government's money mostly, it's really bad my life really have nobody siding me but even with support of my brother, he talks about job like the voices, then they treat me like they don't know if I already been hearing voices telling me to go to work, for them to repeat is something like a heavy weight into my brain and heart, it's just too much I think.
5 more days it's my brother's birthday, then 18 more days it's my birthday, I wonder if my family would celebrate like eating outside for our birthday because we are guys, I really don't know what to do in my life like I have no plans most of the time worried what people would think of me if I always stay at home, then they don't care every day moves to make me unable to get my love, they let the chances of non-existence of relationship to occur, they are really bad in their care like my aunt maybe told my mother not to try for Sakinah, I remember such thing in my mind, "because she already trying", it's really bad the effort and % of getting Sakinah got cut away just like that, I feel so helpless, only a counsellor can help me but I don't know how to get a counsellor except Club Heal that I have tried. I really have nobody siding me in life.
I'm literally dead meat as fact as my life depends on government's money, and I will end up broke as I want to buy laptop/tablet 1 day, then it's happening maybe in August, I really don't know why my life is so small nice experience, it's just food mainly to make me fat or no food and cook ownself. It's just too bad my family don't think of enjoyment in life that I have missed and didn't chase them back for me. I'm so unlucky in my life they're not really a caring family like me as a person.
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