I remember doctor saying I will play with Alysha's ex-boyfriends(2 of them) this console 1 day as they work as "hacker's database editor" for me(the hacker). I wonder when's such thing happening, maybe 2-4 years from now?
Tomorrow is birthday of my brother he's turning 42 years old - life's really fast suddenly everyone is 40+ years old, when the days of my memories like when I was primary school my mother was 40+ years old? It's really harsh how I don't really feel my life then my parents don't give me life too.
Life's really difficult I'm surviving every day like thinking of nothing and thinking what to do in life, like to have cigarette and smoke, then to drink red bull everyday, it's the only thing in my mind, then daily I feel my brain will become weak about something or some parts/area of it then I wonder why my mind's in a mess then I remember I have schizophrenia that's why, the situation of me being healed is so long time to go. I'm sad when I think of myself as mentally weak, easily believing lies(it's harder when I'm on medication) that don't make sense like Alysha pretended a witness of seeing my brother and Aby together, it's so painful the imagination like ruined my happiness, then it's unfair and a win to Alysha if we really broke up, schizophrenia makes mind mentally weak to believe stories even if it don't make sense. It's really harsh. Alysha lied she(Aby) had sex with her brother, then uncle then at that time I was schizophrenic and I believe and pains my heart, Alysha only created me to experience heartache and suicidal thoughts, it made me crazy, I don't know how she knows about sex at that age so small at that time. Maybe it's proven now that she's university means smart enough to understand the pain as something suicidal then maybe she wanted to murder me(make me commit suicide).
I know she will believe something else 1 day like her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend sex with her father as balasan from her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend then she will understand the pain that I went through. I remember it's her friend that caused her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend to experience schizophrenia, feeling hot and hearing voices that seems true - like Alysha did to me because her friend don't like a man like me to suddenly be suffering in pain but the break up happens anyway, I really loss 2 girls.
I remembered that Alysha also pretended as R then it's just my luck I can be fooled as she luckily make her voice change using something rolled up like a loudhailer and similar voice of R.
Later I will be energize to fill games into my RG477V then I can play on the way to injection in bus 1 day, at least I would have a life again I guess, but it's fake, a fake happiness because I have anhedonia, I'm definitely dead meat as fact and my pretence only going to make it worse like my family will be thinking I'm okay then if they don't, they probably want to suggest me to enter I.M.H - their thinking power is weak also, they are not caring at all. It's just too bad for me a scary life for so long.
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