Schizophrenia Life

Don't know if I will ever relapse, my neighbours been years on medications then nobody cares that it's scary, they seem okay with their life like nobody thinks about schizophrenia anymore on purpose, don't get the special attention at all there's just no better luck for better care in schizophrenia, Club Heal makes think of chances that's lovely because in their post writings they hire sick people into Club Heal and they became a successful life, so it looks like I will get a good life kind of vision, I really want a job then I really don't know what kind am I getting if it's from Club Heal, the response is slow, most probably tomorrow but I really don't know, the scary part if is counsellor is busy who would settle with my parents then? I really have no one to talk to them for me.

I don't know what to do in life, I feel weird like am I surviving well, why do I need to be living like a survivor? Why is life not less worries each day after taking medicine for so long? How come a relapse like happened yesterday? What makes it like that? I take medications daily as usual then there's no support for me at all, is it maybe overdose of paliperidone injection as I came 1 week earlier for the appointment? Maybe the medicine still exist in body causing the like-relapse yesterday?

How will my love life be? My schizophrenic neighbours can still get married and have children, why is my life different then? I am turning 38 without support of anyone like a special care to explore life in Singapore? Why are people being horrible to me letting me schizophrenic mind like the voices had ruled me even if I take medications daily. What I write have voices along with it, I'm so unhappy if I'm created to write or not in my mind, maybe Alysha have dictionary at that time and said all the words? Why is she crazy? Did she do such thing? I try hearing "algebra" and it's like a serak voice soft, I thought when feeling better it means I'm recovering then yesterday almost relapse and felt useless man again, why did it happen so sudden?

My number of viewers grow from 12 to 16 just now, I wonder how many actually caring ones among the readers. I have no one talking to me, I feel like blogging is a stone wall place, hahaha, I even heard "stone wall place" a female voice like Alysha's, she really anticipate what I would write then the words converts into voices, why is my life like this? Why are words into voices? I wonder what went weak yesterday as I maybe relapse, it's really harsh to have nobody helping me, nobody asks me what voice do I still hear to become like a pitied life and getting money to enjoy life instead, it's so strict, I feel like my life is meaningless, people dont promote for me to enjoy in life.

Just 27 more days to be strong then I am successfully 29th June again on medications, it's so hard the year passby like that, and this time I'm outside ward, will my life really be fine? I'm so desperate for a nice feeling, but like every matter that needs money need to talk to parents first, it's so sad I can't just settle by myself, I'm like a retarded person, if Alysha had paid me back my going to Johor money from her mouth/lies, I would've bought laptop maybe? Why is it like this? Sad daily as schizophrenic, sometimes happy, now the happy feelings like gone though, I don't know why its like this. Anhedonia really kills my happiness.