So tiring my life

Even when doing nothing I think that I think too much causing me to be tired, or maybe yesterday I was awake until almost 3a.m then I woke up at 7a.m for medications, but maybe I slept at night? I don't know or remember, maybe I don't have enough sleep without realizing about it.

I plan to save my money for studying O levels, but I really don't know if it will happen, the torturous feeling of no cigarette is bad to live on like that like bad for me, I hope cigarettes become Makruh again instead of Haram, so people don't have a reason to tell me to quit.

I remember like stories of doctors talking about RG477V and it seems so real, then actually it could be Alysha instead lying to me about doctors' feelings. But doctor talked about firmware, then maybe it's really doctor and not Alysha lying to me.

I feel like buying the 2tb microsd card 3 of it, but big downloads can't be downloaded instead, it's really harsh but I have to manually download them myself instead of getting the entire pack of roms? It's really heavy I feel, I hope I find a way to get the roms.

Today I haven't on my RG477V yet to play any games, I'm probably playing Metal Slug 2 to complete it first, I definitely want to have fun playing games but there's nobody to play with. I feel like buying the small RG so that my nephew Anaqi can play the game with me, it would be fun.

I hope someone is around in my life within these 6 months to guide me about getting a better or nicer feelings in life, other than quit smoking, what can I do to have a life?

I created a new group "Netplay/RetroArch in Singapore!" and "Schizophrenics Singapore" hoping to gain friends but I really don't know like nobody will see me at all, like need to manually add people in by invitations outdoor, it's really hard I really want the happy lifestyle to be successful, like going to City Hall to play together, relaxing under block to play together etc. I really want my life back, playing with someone will be fun, I feel like going to Sembawang to play with my nephews, life is so boring.

Yesterday and today I searched for jobs then I can't find any yet, it feels like I'm not going to work until December but it really don't know, will I really take O level if no one talks about it? It's really weird, when will I quit smoking if/since nobody cares about me? I know R would be shifting Woodlands then her son maybe will have Anbernic console to play with me 1 day, I vision my life becoming like that instead, like always spending time with her son, I really don't know. I remembered about doctor saying if I have a son with R, he will become Wali Allah, then why is my life like this like have tattoos, I really want to remove my tattoos first.

I wonder who I will spend time with on my 38 years old, like why I would be happy in life, it's really exciting the wait for 38, I'm hoping for wonderful money flow for me to be no worries about studying, I think I will start studying in August instead, or September? I really don't know, I know I just want to have a nice life that's all and to become someone successful.

My healing or starting journey of taking N level was to make myself feel secure like a certificate that's not "quit at sec 3 and a half" normal academic, or was sec 2 express as my resume, I really wanted something nice. N level is something nice. Then I want something nicer like O level and A level, then I really don't know if I can make it. My neighbours seem to forgot or it could be Alysha lying as my neighbours that we would take O level together, I really don't know, the nice voices can be thought of as Alysha lying for me to have a nicer feeling and vision, then actually if it a lie it would be painful instead. Now is only June so I really don't know what will happen to my life.

It's just 10 more days until my birthday, then I only see chances of recovery to be at 28th/29th June 26 on the first day I take medications in June 25, life is really tough endured the years until 2026, then I remembered I was primary 6 or sec 1 when it's millennium, why is my life heavy like this? Why I lose the 26 years not gaining anything in life? Why I didn't get cured or work hard and achieve something. I can't even work hard, I have schizophrenia, it's a nasty/bad feelings in the heart that makes us can't move physically, the mental sickness disturbs us physically, catatonia makes odd body movement like not moving about, maybe it's the cause of sleep paralysis or out of body experiences that I get last time. It's been so long ever since I got out of body experience, ever since I took my medication, it's been almost 1 year.

Will someone that's my reader buy an RG or any handheld console to play NetPlay/RetroArch with me any games like Metal Slugs etc.? I really want to have fun in life, I want to spend my time completing games.