I still feel restless like fidgety sitting on the computer chair I swing myself left and right because its a spinning chair, I really don't feel comfortable maybe due to schizophrenia.
I feel sad that I message Club Heal earlier than I wanted to because I feel like disturbing them.
I really have no idea what to do in my daily life if I don't smoke, even at computer I feel nothing anymore like the past, it's really sad. Anhedonia really killed my happiness.
I think of putting songs daily at my blog post this time, so it won't feel boring reading me.
I wonder when I will be taking Car License, it's already June and my brother don't talk about it. Will I be okay too? I wonder such thing.
I wonder what my schizophrenic neighbours do daily they take medicine everyday and managed to keep their body weight like normal while I grow big and fat, I look at myself in the mirror in the elevator I look so fat, I turn sideways then still fat.
I look at Ming Ming Ming facebook, reminds me maybe he is really at Ward 35A, my days in ward won't meet him because I'm never entering ward again! Haha. I'm so happy about my life, it's finally changing slowly but surely, I really want the energetic feeling of wanting to learn for O level first but I really don't know if I can do it, I maybe will need to stop smoking already then feel a different life. It is hard but I really trying my best too.
I guess now by 31st August doctor would change my medicine into oral medications and no more injections for me, I really don't know I want it oral - injection can be painful for a long time.
My brother now works a different job, as Pest Control Termite Specialist, it really feels different I thought grab will earn him like $3000+, I really don't know why he quit. It became a fixed schedule of him going out in the morning this time, his life really boring like work and son, then no wife to cheer him up, it's really a different feeling from him like he changed a lot, he used to be like me always having no money and difficult in life but then he became better than me like Coach of Football for children, I really became a nobody and the least growth in the family and relatives, I feel like a handicapped person and nobody guiding me to get a better job for myself.
I don't know what will happen to my 2nd sister, she works at Yellow Ribbon Industries now, will she become more understanding like a counsellor? Why will a counsellor not side anyone and just "be fair" when I desire a life that's wonderful they can't do that for me? It's really tough thinking of counsellors, I really don't know if my counsellor can make it too as I have so many adopted families, I really want money in my life to feel like a rich person and search Sakinah for myself since none of my family members and relatives helps or guide me to her, I feel disappointed they treated love like nothing, maybe they really dislike Sakinah after all, or even Wahdiah and Shahridah. I still will want to marry who I want to marry anyway.
I remembered that 1 Day R will live at Woodlands then life became a lot different if she really shifted Woodlands, I would probably go out every day and life would be happier due to she helping me to catch up on life experiences that I have missed. She however have a son that age like Dina and doctor said that if I have a son with her my son will become Wali Allah. I really don't know how doctors know so much about a future of a baby that don't exist yet.
It's 5 more days until my injection that leads to me be passing my June ward entrance date and then I will miss it already because I kept taking my medications properly this time. I'm so happy the day is changing for the better even if little growth from my effort that feels hard daily, then it's still okay if my growth is not from working and earning myself a good money flow. Healing is the main goal in my life.
The plan of R is to marry me and just live life normally, I wonder if she feels that way for me like Wahdiah and Shahridah. At first it was Wahdiah then I meet R then I meet Shahridah, then my life a solo life for a long time until today, it's really a meaningless life but people seems okay my love story is not good or fun, my nieces and nephews like having an uncle(me) with a useless love story, it's so sad even my family's care are not good, it's definitely deadly like promoting suicide to happen because it's too boring daily. I really don't get to see the outside world and my only chance is to look at videos of places outside, I'm still like this despite my age turning 38 and 40 years old soon. They really treat me like a kid that's retarded needing to feed own self daily so they just supply food, it's really sad like this.
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