I feel that doctor lied that I will recover at 38 years old because he ask me what age I will feel it's too late and can't take it anymore, it is 38, then he said I will be cured at 38 years old instead, it's supposed to be my planned suicide day but then in family history no family members and relatives had committed suicide. It's just 2 weeks 3 days to go for my age to become 38, I don't know how I will recover, I really want a nicer life like computers, creating website etc. Then I can't be doing that on my brother's computer it just don't feel comfortable.
It's 9+a.m now then I'm struggling about my daily life, I feel like I have ruined my chances of quitting cigarette when I smoke Lucky Strike as the last big pack moment to taste what it feels like. I grow to insert more nicotine in my body taking more time to remove the cravings in my body. I don't know how to survive this life like this, I need to change and become a better man, e-mailing Club Heal didn't change me it only creates a vision like life can be better 1 day, the management of my family as scary is told in the e-mail like my mother neglected Dina and she kept being with Alysha and end up crying daily, then my mother promoted to scare Dina by saying things like "Asik nangis je dia nari!", padahal Alysha bully when she don't look. Then I'm unlucky to have schizophrenia that's why Alysha tried to make me insane or until commit suicide killing 1 witness of her bullies, I definitely believe that I can't die yet because I'm witness to her physical abuse to a toddler. 38 supposed to be my death date if not.
It's just a horrible life experience I don't get to enjoy myself the only enjoyment are birthdays of my family members including niece and nephews.
I feel like nobody is helping me like the numbers of viewers can jump from 5 to 18 then suddenly 4 then 18 again, it kept being the same number most of the time - like someone playing with numbers with me instead, I began thinking of like a hacker's language. if 18 is LB maybe Lambat to receive help. 5 maybe "will help", it's not a hacker's language but thats how hackers read numbers, 4 as A for example. I really find my sickness weird, but I hear voices of Alysha talking saying "lambat" then I don't know if it's really a planned thing for me to experience, as maybe lambat lagi then I will receive help. It's hard to receive siding of a counsellor but I tried my best with examples, then I wonder if there's no neglection from my mother to Dina would I have the chance that counsellor will side me? I didn't e-mail to counsellor that my 2nd sister said "mental" not "physical" illness, then would it increase the chance of counsellor siding my life if it was written? I really don't know. By common sense I'm reaching 38 years old, usually a person that planned suicide won't commit suicide, as suicide happens without telling, then I became an attention-seeker instead? It's really bad I feel like my family will destroy me with the way of their care. Even my brother talk about work yesterday, what can I do about it?
I feel like buying tablet or computer that costs less than $200 then I imagine if top-up my Simba would be nicer as then I can have the $850 in August to be spent on something else or save-up until next year.
Today I ate kepala ikan and it's so little but the sauce is so nice as it's been recreated by me then it became addictive to eat. I really like my cooking a lot and hope I can cook sometimes at home so the food are always nice to eat. It's really boring most of the time, waiting for 2 or 3 p.m then my mother will cook sometimes even later. Today I self-promise to walk lesser maybe because it almost create me to relapse as my legs became too painful.
I think it's a good investment to spend $18 for a good free counsellor to help me - 130K+ viewers of TikTok then counsellor will get to know of Alysha "in the wild" because not managed by I.M.H, she's actually a criminal that's "being forgiven" because have to pay penalty, means she just got lucky she didn't enter girls home at that time. It's so unfair but life is like that.
I wonder why doctor didn't enter her into I.M.H too her freedom is too lucky to not feel the stress of being a patient warded there, as a criminal she should feel something but she's at absolute freedom by Law, as waiting for any of us to charge her but then nobody cares to talk about her, if not it would have made me happier as something like imagining money flow into my life for her penalty. Then they just let me live all alone thinking of Alysha by myself. It's so heartless.
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