Stress in life

Tonight it's quite silent, like I will recover from schizophrenia but only 2 days ago felt like relapsing, why is the night feeling different? I expect to be cured from schizophrenia already but then it is almost a year on medication then relapsing 2 days ago, it made me scared how I will suffer from schizophrenia a long time like my neighbours.

My teeth have hole then I wonder why my parents don't send me to dentist or caring about it, they let me grow older without treatment and what if it breaks? That would be too sad as I don't want a broken teeth? I msg Club Heal about needing the dentist, then I feel ashamed about it but I just had to do it, so they ask my parents to be caring me a lot more like "rumahku syurgaku" hopefully.

I remember at night there will still be viewers of my blog, maybe people that don't sleep or rotating shift of monitoring me, I really wonder what's the real reason of following me on Facebook as all viewers are from Facebook I think.

I'm remembering about my bnss life don't know what's happening it's so long ago, I miss how life if can be normal, or a memories meet up happen would be nice, but I'm nothing special in bnss, suddenly I have schizophrenia and my friendship life been gone just like that.

I still can't understand why I'm made to grow old until turning 38 with a lot of memory loss to this age, and then life starting over at 37 due to taking medication, then 1 year of medication will be then enough time to start a new life, I'm really starting my life again at this old age? People don't care I loss so much experiences in life, it's like people are jealous if I achieve a lot in life, it's like people prayed I loss my life experiences, I'm just this unlucky in life to be hated maybe most of the time? I really don't know, but what happened to me could be prayers of people because the way they don't care, they really want me to be living this way then, a happiness that I fail in life.

The no support proves happiness of others.

Tonight I woke up about 1.30a.m then smoke storm king drinking ribena and I started writing this blogpost.

I see on TikTok that my microphone will reach today or tomorrow, it's finally the end of waiting and karaoke life will be happening to me, even if it's not nice I probably just post on TikTok because it's just lyrics of song being posted with my voice singing it.

I no longer feel confident about counsellor helping me maybe it was delusion from my schizophrenia that everything will go well and peaceful if have a counsellor to help talk to my parents about the no support they gave me.

I'm back to sleep now I guess. Good night.