Later I will be needing to fetch my mum from MRT Tunnel because she will be carrying heavy stuff, then I hope she buys Waker Chicken, I really don't know.
Life is bad that I don't know how to get counsellor to side me in life like getting money from my parents so I can buy computer, laptop, tablet, television etc. for my room.
Thinking of counsellor just reminds me of my bmss days that counselling was not helpful at all and lead into their way of choice in life, it's still not a choice in life, maybe the bnss counsellor was lazy then I thought? It's really bad by common sense I won't be sided at all then it like required a lot of fault of theirs to be sided, then it really happens but I still don't know if counsellor would side me.
Life is tough gaining and experiencing good things late, like Star Maker feelings, it's just quite sudden then feeling like wanting to karaoke, I remember the days when my 2nd sister's ex-husband was around then it was fun, then after the divorce they didn't get together again but he married but Dina gain half-siblings, it's so boring my life I hope Dina get a lot of perfection in life, don't know why he risk my 2nd sister of having another husband and another half-sibling family for Dina, the perfection really broke like it can't be fixed. I don't understand why life became like this. Also I'm thinking of my brother's perfect life also broken by a divorce, I wonder why to them it's nothing, if a girl have another husband or man, it means sex with another last person then it makes "can't get back together" anyway, it's just really weird they destroy relationship like never in love with each other before. I feel my family is messed up, it's so unfair, I feel now like wanting a working life and good job from Club Heal then just live on my own. I don't understand why they don't fear the matter of topic like a girl sex with another last guy, it's so spoiled and imperfect. I dont know how to vision as a happy life as fact, unless counsellor tells me things like helping me get money, then I can search for Sakinah by myself, etc. It's really a torture their way of treating me, if I don't smoke I can't survive, then its 1 of my needs in life, if I have money to search for her by using cigarette money, it's not that I can really find her, then nobody cares like just living their own life. I'm upset about Wahdiah and Shahridah didn't help me get Sakinah too, it's really weird their common sense of wanting me happy like not working or functioning, I'm really dead meat with my parents way of care and bad decision and choices in life already then nobody helps me. No counsellor exist as I write blogs too, I'm probably just schizophrenic moments sometimes, then actually smoking is the only thing that can make me write a lot more. I'm so unstable how calculative my family are about cigarette, it's just part of life needs then nothing can be done about it, means they rather I become desperate and pick cigarettes to roll back, and even my mind to become a beggar on the street.
The heart in pain is something real then they don't care it creates a lot of hidden anger in my heart, they are the ones they makes me unhealthy, anger creates unstable movement and health, then they just do it anyway, like following a list of criteria to perform in life. So heartless, like knowing the entire family if don't smoke is something different, like my brother can survive if earning lesser than my father, it means cigarette price can still survive in life, they just not being helpful and supportive to me, they don't understand the calmness in smoking and I think they should smoke to understand, and other reasons, it won't kill like its being sold in the shops, then if it kills and cancer then the maker of cigarettes are murderers? If in shop means it's nothing bad at all, they only create anger by hating cigarette, if it's so expensive and people buy to throw means it's something worth it to do too, like a different view of things, it creates calmness like a comfort then people don't want me to have this extra way of calming myself.
I'm dead meat thinking of $4.30 to spend every 2 days, then I only need drinks like red bull I hope can use my own money, then start saving to try search for Sakinah, it's really bad like I don't feel stable if I try to meet Aby too, like she won't entertain me at all, it's like the break-up by Alysha is successful and nobody cares, I kept losing memory and suddenly turning 38 years old in my view but nobody pitied me, it's losing more than 10 years of life experience but nobody cares. They're just retarded in their way of care, just a different opinion than me, my brother is prove a box cigarette smoker can still survive in life even if have a child to care and support, with extra days of playing football for Tampines Rovers for example, then my life? My father just don't want to give extra support to me. People have been psycho how cigarette is bad as if it create people unstable, it creates a person more balanced as fact, just when starting then it's like a bit of dizziness. I dont know where to ask help from, everyone is so childish like a murderer treatment or like I will spend their $100K on cigarettes. It's really bad my life. It's like buying candies or chocolate every 2 days $4.30 but they can't provide it. I need to save up myself even if schizophrenia. Life is so bad.
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