Will I be fine?

My plan kept failing then my cigarette gone, it's just too much the unluckiness in life. I really want to buy 2TB microsd for my RG477V even if I have anhedonia, then to settle it nicely. It's like a nice idea despite not playing it, it means it's like I can keep going to my 1st sister's house to play with my nephews, but it will be like desperate for a life, firstly I need a proper job to be able to live my life, my family won't support me to have a kind of life that I want, it's just too bad for me I have to keep on living life like this.

Everyday its the same thing on my mind, like a conversation that have no end, except about dreams it may be different to cause a different thinking the next day, I want to feel lightweight but I'm suffering from crave of cigarettes. I also don't understand who been viewing my blog, on 19th June is the day I will wonder what will happen, like if I will get any gifts or money as birthday present, I really don't know, I hope its something that will lighten up my life, I have 10 days to countdown to quit smoking from today then everyday it was like this, I wonder why I can't quit smoking, it's like getting tougher because of my head feeling hard like have something in it. I wonder what sickness is it, it's just mental illness that I have. I'm so bored I wonder how other schizophrenics became famous and popular while I suffer still in my life, they can do a business if they do it, then I can't even do a business to earn money.

I ever felt like making t-shirt or long sleeve design like a kind of simple drawing, then I don't think I will be lucky in this, means that I won't try something at all, then I regard myself just as someone ambitious to become rich in life, I really can't think of a way to live my life, it's just jobs daily to think about, don't know why they don't worry that I have schizophrenia, maybe I really need to quit smoking first? I really don't know. If Club Heal was just helping me when I email it would've been nicer like I have somewhere to complain about my smoking experience, then I can't because no one to contact, it's really sad the ruling of theirs like that, they didn't even put on website about it.

I don't know when I will be okay from schizophrenia, the voices of Alysha are just voices and not sentences or words, means she ever just made noises and it lasts until today still, tomorrow is unknown of how it will be like. I kept hearing voice of Zabid and Ahmad Zainuddin also when I hear voices about my bnss counsellor, it's maybe just unpleasant experiences during my counselling that they call the counsellor I think, then after that I got expelled from school? I really don't know what happened to me, I kept losing my memories then nobody cares it is schizophrenia making me problematic experiences then it's just not taking medicine as the main problem at that time then now nobody still help me to live a lighter life even if I will recover soon. It feels like wanting to self-damage a lot because of this crazy "suffering feelings"(it's negative feelings that I feel), I don't know what can make me happier except writing them out.

I wrote in my journal that tomorrow is injection that will last until July, I'm so happy it's settled, my last journal was 22/5/26, then today is 7th June, it's been really a long time, the feeling of wanting to study was during that time then I think something killed the feelings as I'm bored most of the time now, I really don't know what to do to my life. Life really sucks.