I can't think of the happiness except recovery now, as it's impossible that I will get Sakinah at 38 years old, it also looks impossible that I can get Wahdiah or Shahridah back into my life. It's really boring I can't do anything about it. I'm thinking what to do to my life, like when will I study hard if I'm readying up for O level next year, who will I be studying with, when will I regain friends again?
It's such a boring life, I signed up for penpalworld but they haven't approved my description about myself, taking time to get to use it, I wonder why it's like that, will I gain any good people at all?
I think it's like a repetition about my choice and decision in life, to sign up in this especially. I wonder if it will be a good place to make friends at all too, what would my writings be about, but I think it's just something like I planned to karaoke "Sepenuh Hati" then in the end I didn't karaoke because the microphone don't work, I plan to buy a microphone with speaker next to try karaoke one day. It's just too boring my life always the same and people don't pity how I feeling dull the same daily without any help. I survive but luckily not like a beggar but by luck and sacrificial from buying nice stuff into my life. This time I spent well instead of wasting my money away, I'm better at managing money this time, I wonder why the stress became like this, the attraction to buy things just happens in my heart and I think it's due to schizophrenia, nobody guide me and they just let me buy things, other than that I think it's due to being spiked that's why I bought the bicycle again. Then when I think again, it's all a good buy and worth it like getting my RG477V that I haven't got anyone to play with, it's just a boring browsing and downloading games as the things to do on it for now, anhedonia really created me can't play games and I feel worried why nobody cares I have anhedonia, they rather let my interest and happiness die as long as I take medicine than trying to secure me to take medicine + no anhedonia, they don't effort at all especially doctors as it's been almost 1 year so it's their best tries for me already, I really feel helpless, maybe doctor is only good medically and not about my happiness in life. I really don't understand why they as psychic but I have to tell my problem myself instead of just settling the anhedonia for me. I feel like a puppet, like a useless person just walking around breathing and living with what I can have fun with or be happy with.
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