I ever not believe my parents are my parents and then thought I'm a foster child because they don't really care about me I feel that way, schizophrenia created such feelings to seem real I pity my family because of me they go through my version of "because not family" if ever. Isn't it insanity to believe different matter about family already? I really feel like an insane person hearing voices then unable to judge what is right like if someone really spoke to me, I never talked to myself before I think causing me still normal? Are schizophrenics regarded as normal people too? The working incapability is not normal I think. Is it okay I keep repeating the same matter over and over again? Did I became a loser or boring person?
I don't know why my mind can be created like that by God, I think it's unfair it create abnormal reaction from me? Why does God create me this way? I'm unhealthy, schizophrenic, anhedonia, then I'm a normal person in front of my exes? They feel I am normal is a nice and wonderful feeling. Is it during the starting months of august my mind like restarted because 30june I was warded until 15august, then the medicine created me to lose memory of what my life was like? Isn't it like I loss my lover many times because of being warded? Will they come to me when I'm 38years old? The promises are like that due to believing doctor I will recover at 38years old. I can't wait for recovery but almost 2 mths outside ward now and still perfect in medication, I have decided to rely on jobclub and focus on medications only, they training me to be ready for job as a health way I guess, they don't care I haven't been working for 15+years I guess, maybe truly just a training?
I want to do well in life, now 37 years old and at moment I think I will ride bicycle a lot at night, I wonder where to? The energy definitely from having the Hoodie, but what would I do most probably go Fushan Garden, then being a non-smoker at that time, how my relaxations will be like? With a Phone? Will I make new friends suddenly but at this age like definitely not happening? Will I be fine?
Nobody cares that I'm too old already, I'm still treated like a child too? My mother still buy me nice clothes at Batam, Black Shirt and Plain Dark yellow T-Shirt, I still feel like a Kid at this Age is not normal, it means I forgot I'm 37 years old. What will create my recovery faster to feel nicer health? It's maybe the spike making me not nice feelings many times.
It's actually quite complete feelings like having everything already except normal friends. To be able to fish alone like own initiative will it be long? Will i know anyone first about telling me how to fish? I definitely not going to kampung to learn to fish, maybe just knowing how to throw the bait is enough to know how to fish? I don't know when is the first day of the 38years old happiness feeling, doctors cant let it be real it's really only when 19june next year I will feel happy? It's hard I can't know except taking medication and daily boredom from morning until sleeping time, what can I do to be happier, YouTube's? Movies on YouTube? I have no plans in life, the heavy feelings really maybe from the spikes.
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