Still feeling bad

It's a need to chat or someone answer me how my life will work out fine even after I am 37yrs old. Anhedonia is a life destroyer? Pleasure gone like nothing, even after effort on it. I remember ever buying psp slim then suddenly loss of pleasure to play it, it feels bad how suddenly I created myself into no life and I've been solo lifestyle then until now haven't created The Room Of My Dreams. Computer and Laptop imagined on 1 side on Table like my brother's room, it feels life the way seeing computer like that. All-in-1 Computer looks fun to play.

I think I need hanging places of jacket such things 1 day as furniture. I wanted a sofa too in room to play games currently have a bench in my room dunno from where.

Then my life just like this daily, why do I waste money? I really have no idea to go out with who. Feel like wanting to make friends at Fushan Garden but at this age it's too late, my life was like that when I was teenagers, in woodlands I made friends close to me through my friend in i.r.c first, guess Abit lucky then I loss contact with them. Life changes like we grew to become different mindset.

I'm like this because of my more than 17years old schizophrenia then I loss memory seems nobody like cares about me still. It feel like tantrum by not taking medicine maybe someone will show they care then I think it was 1 of reason too I didn't take medicine, maybe they just keep seeing I kept forgetting and losing my memories they let me be macam terperap dalam bilik. I kept imagining (S) as my soulmate and my "projected images" imagination that me and her are still a Baby that will come out in this world and get married by my interest. I pasted photo of (S) at my door and wrote as "Married" during my Delusion. My life was terrible, it was messy, I collected and bought so many stuff then its many are missing from me I still feel fine maybe it's the anhedonia causing me to be okay, schizophrenia is getting free anhedonia as a package in sickness. The hallucination was so long, the definition of hallucination here is just "hearing voices statements" and it tires me to stuck in room, I feel my life is bad. I smoke tobacco re-rolling smoked ones just to have a cig. My life was an unknown suffering, I missed (W) and (A) greatly no one ever felt like that I think unless from death, it was like that, the end truly feels like that(it was death-type of end). I don't know how I can recover from loss of (W) and (A), it's very heavy in my heart. People who hate me would probably just be happy or wanting me to be like a weird person telling of missing someone maybe, it's just luck, blog is meant to be this way, to write heart-feelings, it's not a diary(a secret writing), but like a secret too. The crave of cig. Hit the "missing people section of my heart" and it's painful it's like that, I have to recover many things, I feel, only cig., schizophrenia and anhedonia then I don't miss people like crazy, or loss of pleasure causing sadness to ownself by bad decision(tak layan betul2 like I wanted by love). I truly want to recover from anhedonia first maybe happiness creates health and game is really a shortcut, but if recover the loss feels greater(missing people)? It's too bad kind of experience in my life then I have to go through this pain alone.