I have nothing to do daily just being a useless person, life is boring, in the past I would be schizophrenic and write nonsense, now just bored and writing stuff maybe the spikes still winning me to write stuff.
I still remember of wanting to do O Levels, but I forgot the age I plan for it, is it 38 years old my recovery year or 39 years old? I planned this when I was in B.M.C means I knew I would suffer schizophrenia repetitively? Why no one reminded me my life been on repeats?
I wonder what kind of health will happen to me that I will be happy about. Reminding doctor said my happy year is 38 years old, I wonder what is it I will be happy about.
My life keeps repeating in my mind how I can survive at 37 years old, but my 38 years old is my recovery year, life is too boring like everyone sick of telling me something then I'm let be feeling boredom. I think the confidence about my mind is my mother used to selawat alot when I was in her tummy, so I think they are confident nothing is wrong with me 1 day somehow.
I don't understand what "ujian" means somehow, it's just difficult moment of my life and why Allah let it happen I don't understand, it's 17 years old(B.M.C) until now 37 years old, it's been 20 years kind of gap I planned due to knowing my life will be on repeats, for my O Level to be 38 years old or 39 years old, why was I ready for it? Why I knew it's really that long? Why I forgot how I knew it? Why my parents let the break-ups happened in my life? I don't understand why it's like nothing to them? The thinking of (S) been heavy on me since primary days, then secondary I became schizophrenic until B.M.C until N.S Over then it's repeatedly like that until now(I've grown to become wanting to take medications) that I believe will be over next year too. My life been stuck at N Level for so long years, my mind like that. Then maybe I was schizophrenic since primary school? I wonder why God Let Me Experiences these, like 20 years of my life without gains?
I really feel like I will recover 38 years old, but just the boredom of this life, there's no plan that I should do? Just wait for Jobclub? If it's not abit like Mentally Retarded then I became not knowing my future again? So I wait for 6 more days hopefully it's fine this time I reach on time, last year I didn't go Jobclub at all, maybe causing me not to take O Level at 37 Years Old?
It's weird everyone seems normal, what would I be doing it's like a repeat my thinking-pattern then I wrote it down again on my blog. I wonder what's the difference?
Should I go ahead with my 2nd sister's idea of learning how to read Arabic language from her husband? I feel like doing it as fact but how fast/slow I will be? Will there be like a test or exam then? I don't know, Maybe this is something different that I wrote of?
Should I buy dumbbells in December? Should I learn Arabic language some other time?
My thinking-pattern like the same of my past. I think I will Whatsapp my Father about O Levels 1 day.
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