Wondering why life's boring

It's maybe because I'm just N Level person I have no life yet, schizophrenia creates a kind of difficulty to move that's why I can't work well. Most jobs don't require certificate that I have ever worked at.

Why am I just this kind of person in the end? Just an N Level?

I remember C.o.C Special Limits I wasted my chance there and I hope 1 day a recovery of money of it due to Schizophrenia, about the Bond, I really have Schizophrenia.

I'm too much far behind in education.

Today I get to use my brother's computer and I play counter-strike for some rounds, there's not many players only Indonesian and Thailand server have people. I learnt mandarin language too part 22 of 30.

I wonder at which month or day will my recovery of schizophrenia be noticed by my family and they start talking about it, I think they got lazy.

Yesterday I think I loss memory that my 2nd sister had married her 2nd husband, I wonder why like that there was confusion.

Is it nowadays there's nothing to do online that blogging became a nice hobby? Will I learn Mandarin successfully like able to speak it too as a daily life thing? I remember like "qu" is "go", "Re" is "hot", "Leng" is "cold", I really want to understand mandarin language. I tried my best during my medications moment just have no one to practice it yet, maybe my doctors will be cool, means I will be spending time alot with doctors 1 day as I will practice mandarin language? Doctors have memories for me to remember too I think.

I still wonder if i will become someone successful in life after so long, people don't see schizophrenia as something that causes blocks or stuck my life? It's too early to celebrate as I haven't 6 month confirmed taking medication? When did it end last time? Was it this month? It feels like this month when I look at my "1 year ago" posts on Facebook which I deleted because Abit schizophrenic or boring? Means last year around this month I started skipping medicine this means I'm recovering now and still taking my medicines properly. I hope there's a nicer experience like memory conversation with my family. I don't know what my family remembers about me, it's just so many months without medication causing a bad life experience, the memory loss is so frequent like it's nothing shocking to them maybe because of selawat practices of my mum when I was still a baby in her tummy. I wonder how my family believe like that, means they actually see me as someone that will become successful in something? I want to believe something like that, no matter what happens "actually knowing it is okay".