Bad energy?

It's so unwell feelings and it's like sadness can be felt due to smoking, missing (S) a lot, I don't know why she let it be 38 years old as my recovery then maybe will decide to meet me, why is it so long? I remember I will become a bad guy if goes out with her too fast. I think it's something like that from psychic.

If have baby too fast 1 might die and only leaving 5 babies left, why is psychic knowledge like that, can I have energy to work as my turn to live life already? I remember my energy of life is to start learning Iqra 1 Last Page on January to create myself feeling a jackpot feeling, the estimation is 6 MTHS but maybe I would understand Arabic in 1 Month only(daily Iqra)?

I don't know why I keep thinking bad for my life, it's like no life as fact daily like this, I hope the way of living changes like parents gives money too, I don't know why difficulty as something okay to them. My age is so old and I decided to quit cig. because of the Missing-Someone Feelings is horrible in my heart if I smoke. I hope (S) misses me like someone special in her heart like thinking of Akhirat if we will meet again, like my life is nothing without her, I spend my life thinking of her Since Kindergarten days it's so long I imagine if she will never meet me anymore is when she is married with a child of someone else. Life definitely a loss of happiness without her.

Quitting Cig. Being a life goal but I remember even A-Level Smokes means it doesn't create stupidity at All. I want to be Smart, I don't want to be bored at All. Exercises is done daily to become a better man everyday, I hope I maintain this way of life.

The pain of not meeting or seeing (S) is very big, she's only helping me from becoming a Bad Man if I'm her with Too Early? I wonder why it's like that, we can still plan for life to be Abit different? Life still can be planned and something earlier is still nice for my health? I hope she don't create me loss of memory that I've ever met her and spoken to her, I really want to remember and feel something As Done. I imagine myself marrying her around 38+ years old and have children at 39 years old, I'm happy with this imagination, I don't think she wants to get married at 39 or 40 too? Isn't it too old, isn't 38 years old the best moment if it was not 27 years old? Why Doctor let age grow is because baby will be sick everytime if have babies too soon, I eat vegetables, drink fruit juice, definitely will be stronger babies can doctor help me faster to be with her? I will eat vegetable and drink fruit juice a lot.

Can my suffering end like (S) don't worry anymore if I will become a bad man? Babies definitely priority to be healthy, I really want to marry (S) all my life since Kindergarten Days, I don't know it's not normal for a Kid to fall in love at such a young age.

I wonder what will happen to me, will (S) let be me, will I recover from this heart pain? Is it really Cig. That can settle the heart pain? The desire to be with (S) when I sleep is still quite great, imagining my pillow and she's my pillow, my happiness is only like that - daydreaming? I know 1 day will meet her again, it's too old if it's too late (S), we really should get married Sooner, then practice no memory loss on me? I really hope we meet again fast as I decide to not become like a Bad Man anyway as Wali Allah mentioned about 2 Years Prison if Marry (R), I really want us to have a normal life together. 17 years is so long.