I just daze and feeling bad lying on sofa daily, hopefully I recover from feeling bad by exercising. I feel insurance should really give something to schizophrenic, our sufferings are real, it includes a voucher type that disallow buying of cigs., beer, wine and liquor - can insurance do this kind of thing for schizophrenia people?
Days to passby is a lot then I was thinking of (S) just now so I can't sleep again, I wanted to sleep through the day and night as my life is useless just feeling what I can feel everyday.
The self-energizing statements like Soldier Job have no response from others in my house, they chose to not talk about it, then I think it's about death of family members too they are still sad about, I really can't do anything too it's just multiple-sadness in life. I wonder what doctor would do if I were to do business of my grandfather, what business he would do? Why can't I start while I have nothing in life? Why is my life meant to be slow because of dates I take medication haven't strengthen me and require more medications and longer days? Nobody reminds me of Soldier Job ways, if I can skip jobclub easily as it's messing my head from the spikes like why they don't mind if I continue jobclub while I have been spiked because doctor says can I guess. I just need to change my phone number to get e-statements of bank then send to jobclub and then receive the training dates, I guess it's rest and they know I can't except for my family like pretending sometimes, about soldier job especially no energy to talk of it at all.
Today the crave for cig. makes me walk around my neighbourhood, then it's raining so no cigs. on floor, I guess nobody want to help me is why my life is like this, they hate cig. while it actually makes me happier in life like a lot of relief from pain. I need to imagine investment of buying cigs. every month, it's around $14/pack that lasts for 3 days, then it's $140 for 1 month(30 days) I guess, then sometimes it's 2 days $14, so it becomes: $210/mth I need to set aside just for cigs. I wonder why they are really not giving cigs. a chance at all. MUIS "Haramkan" cig. To consider it like it's Beer, Wine or Liquor, I know it's nothing painful in life if have it, but Doctor ever said I will become someone that quit smoking instantly, a special smoker, why while all these they just don't imagine my future babies needing food as I need food if no cigs. to stuff myself that I don't crave for cigs. too much? Like reason of babies is nicer that I can eat nice and forget cigs. They just are certain that I will buy cigs. if gives me money that's all. I really can't do anything because they don't want to help me is their decision.
Then even anticipate statement like "help yourself", as they just consider it as easy, if I have computer maybe I would be hacking as fact and see time moves without noticing it's night time then it's time to sleep daily, my life would be more peaceful. Is this the highest peace doctor found for me? The stress is really high.
I'm so helpless. My life wishes are blocked by schizophrenia that they become having reason to control my life into feeling what they want me to feel instead. Only if I have no schizophrenia I would be working and earning without thinking of all these. Schizophrenia medicine are so expensive yet My mother pretend thinking no need medications as fact to recover. Don't know for what purpose. Nobody is helping me looks real as their decision that money is meant to keep away for something else, not for me to have life even after 17 years of wasting my life having nothing in life.
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