I Am Thinking of Recovery: I Have Been Skipping Meds for 20 Years Like That Then Suddenly The First To Recover At 38 Years Old, While My Schizophrenic Neighbours Still Able To Live Normally While Eating Medications And Even Have Children, They Are Much Stable Than Me But I Recover First?
This Year is The Only Year I Haven't Skipped Medications, What Makes Me Recover First Before Them? It is Odd, I Feel I'm Much More Towards Insanity Than My Neighbours.
Could It Be That Cig. As The Cause of Recovering Faster I Imagine, But It Is 40% Promotion to Schizophrenia Relapse I Think, It Doesn't Really Look Like That Though.
My Family Have No Medication Celebration Of The Months I Have Taken Due To Knowing Death of Family, I Guess They Don't Look Happy Too How I Have Been Taking Medication. My Neighbours Seem Healthier Than Me But I Will Recover First is The Surprising Answer By Psychic, Means They Actually Been Taking Medication for 20 Years Like That While I Skip So Many Years Until This Year Then Recovering First At 38 Years Old. Isn't it Weird How Psychic Knows Stuff Like This?
I'm Reaching Difficult Moment of Life As Cig. Is Becoming Hard, I Remember if It's the Same As Last Year I'm Supposed To Be Warded On 13 November? Lucky Me Life Of Such Repeats Didn't Happen.
I Remember In M.R.T Sakinah Ever Claimed Of Spying Me Of What I Buy, I'm Still Sad How It's Like Meaningless Life Even If She Knowing All The Pain I'm Going Through, She Only Sees My Life As Difficulty About Money Only. She Don't Know The Pain Of Schizophrenia is Very Physical And Like Disturbance To Own Body.
Wonder Why She Waste Money On Spy Instead of Being In Touch With Me, Life Would Be Nicer If She Support Me I Think But It's Like Caring Another Person Definitely Heavy, She Can Easily Ask Me To Update Her What I Bought Daily. Wonder How It's Under-Control of How I Can Be In Touch With Her, It's Like An Insanity Pushaway Instead In My Imagination That She Need To Be Wary Of Me? Like Because I'm Insane, Doctors Only Say Things That Comfortable For Me and Not Really Getting Her As My Wife For Me? Why Am I Going Through Something Like This In Life? Where's The Peace?
I've Lost Stability Of Life For 17 Years Since N.S Days, 17 Years Just Gone Like Nothing And The Pain Of Schizophrenia Got Me To Become Like A Useless Person, I Really Can't Do Anything But Then 17 Years Later, My Family Expect Me To Work While I Want To Work Just Feeling Unstable? Isn't It They Are Creating Sadness To Me?
I Imagine Sakinah's Niece As Part Of My Life, Asking Her Niece How To Get Sakinah As My Wife, Why I Get These Emotion To Be Caring To Her Family? I Am Not In Touch With Her For 17 Years Long(Since N.S Days In M.R.T Was The First Talk), How Am I Missing Someone In Life For So Long And People Let Be Me Not Helping or Worried If I Would Lose Her? Isn't it Because They Think I'm Insane Is Why I Can't Have Girls? I Saw In GoodHood Anyway She Uses A Baby's Photo As Her Image.
Why The Stress of Recovery Exist Like I Don't Know If My Neighbours Enrolled Jobclub Too? Cleaning Training Isn't It Too Much? I Don't Know If I'm Actually Treated Like An Insane Person or Retarded Person or Not. Isn't it Common Sense Everyone Can Clean? I Remembered Again The Pain of Cleaning Just After Few Seconds of Wiping Seats Appeared at Back Of My Body, Can I Even Survive This Like Cleaning For Free for 24hrs(1 Month Probation) Before Getting Allowance? Why they can't just apply for me to get a job is because: My Stamina is still Being Created and It's Too Fast That I Will Quit, Means I can't Work Yet, Then My Family "Don't Know" Even After So Many Repeats in my Life That I Can't Work That My Mother Ever Kept Asking About Work? Why They Don't See Me As Someone Sick or Unstable Because My Schizophrenic Neighbours Can Work And Higher Health Than Me?
I'm Just Living Like A Survivor In Panic If Life Suddenly Becomes Painful Again, Worried of Rest Such Things, Then Still Like a Useless Man But Still Resting From The Pain of Schizophrenia.
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